Compensation

We all compensate for what we think we are lacking. I just realized that I've been doing this since my son was born. Before my son was born, I believed that pregnancy, child birth, parenthood, childhood, etc. Would all go a certain way. My pregnancy was picture perfect- no health issues, morning sickness, or false labor. Great start! Labor was the first sign that things were not always going to go the way I had planned.
During my entire pregnancy, I tried to hide from what was sure to come. I watched "A Baby Story" religiously for months to prepare for all possible scenarios. Well, all but one. The only time I would turn off the true stories that come with childbirth, was when they were a visual representation of what I was most worried about: the c-section. Call it intuition, or commonsense (if you've ever seen the size of my husband's head), but I just "knew" that having surgery was the only way my baby would come out of me, even though I would never have said it out loud (that would jinx it!).
The day came, and after 24 hours of labor and two and a half hours of pushing without progress, the decision was made. My beautiful baby boy entered this world via c-section. He was perfect except for the huge bruise and sore that sat on the top of his head, signifying the turmoil he went through while I was trying to make him fit. This was enough evidence for me. I was glad that my baby was out, healthy, and that I hadn't continued to hurt him (I've been told that it doesn't hurt them, but I can't imagine it feeling good).
Before he was born, it was my plan to nurse as long as I could. I knew that I would be going back to work full time and that it most likely wouldn't last long once we hit that milestone. However, once I got to this point, I had a determination that I had never seen in myself before. There was no stopping me! It wasn't until this afternoon, that I realized I was so determined to nurse for the first year, to compensate for not being able to have him naturally.
At this point, I don't care why I did it. I did it! But I think that it is interesting how we set ourselves up for situations like this. I couldn't do anything to avoid having a c-section, but for some reason I felt the need to do something (parenting-wise) far beyond what was expected to make up for it. I know I'm not the only woman who does this to myself. Watch out women, we can be our own worst enemy/harshest critic.