It hit me about July, that going back to work after having Liam was not going to be as easy as I had originally thought. The closer it came to September, the more I knew that being both a full time mommy and a full time teacher was going to be one of the hardest things that I would ever have to do. Before having Liam, I never imagined that I would be able to be a stay at home mom. I love my job and I get so bored without something to keep me busy. However, having a baby changes everything, including your priorities.
Once it became apparent that this feeling was not going to just pass and that I would magically be happy with doing both full-time, Joe and I became focused on doing all that we can so that I could work part-time and be home with Liam more. Lately, that has become not only a priority, but a necessity! Have had a mini-breakdown once a week for the past three weeks. It is so hard to feel like you are doing two things well that both need your attention all the time. I feel like a horrible teacher and a horrible mommy and I hate that. Those are the two things in my life that I am passionate about and it is killing me to think that I am ruining both.
I feel terrible about all the ideas and assumptions that I had about working moms and stay at home moms before! Because having a son has made me into what I thought was just a woman with an excuse to not work. For me, it isn't about not working, it is about being the best mom that I can be. Now, I don't want anyone to think that now I have gone the other way. I know that there are fantastic moms who are able to work as well. I wish I could be one of them. They are so strong! But I am just one of those people who pours all my effort into the things that value and that becomes difficult when there are two.
Hopefully there will be some good news this week. Wednesday I have a meeting with the principal at my school to discuss options for next year. I just hope with all my might that all goes well and that I have some options that include seeing my son more and keeping my job!