Ashamed, but Not for Long

I am comfortable in my own skin and proud of who I am 99.9% of the time. There is only one situation that has ever made me feel ashamed (yet, only momentarily) of my bald head. It has only happened a handful of times, but yesterday was one of them, and this instance hit me particularly hard. I spent all night thinking about why it bothered me so much, and how to turn it around and make it something positive.

I was walking through the grocery store yesterday afternoon without my family (this situation only seems to happen when I am alone), and I heard a tiny voice behind me asking, "Why doesn't she have any hair?". The mom shushed her daughter and went along with her shopping. This alone was irritating to me, but it is a normal reaction by parents. I wish that they would take that opportunity to talk to their children about how we are all a little different, or ask me why I don't have hair so that their children can learn that talking about things that their curious about is better than staring or wondering. If they even said, "She has cancer." (which is totally wrong) it would be a more acceptable response. At least in that situation, the parents are explaining something to their children, which will in turn teach them to be tolerant and accepting of differences.

In this instance, when the little girl asked again, there was a comment added which always shakes me to the core and makes me sad. She said, "She's really scary mom!". At this point, I was tired of waiting for the mom to take advantage of the situation, and I turned around to explain things to the little one. What I turned to, was a mom pushing her cart as quickly as she could, down the aisle, with her head tucked down, whispering to her daughter. Although I didn't hear the conversation, I can guess that she was saying something along the lines of, "It's not polite to say things like that." or was scolding her for making a comment at all.

I know that she was probably trying to teach her daughter to be polite and was extremely embarrassed about the situation, but from my perspective, she was making the situation worse. She was teaching her daughter to be someone who is afraid of people who are different-someone who stares and assumes, instead of someone who is open and curious about differences.

Although the mother's response bothered me, it was the little girl's comment that stuck with me throughout the day (as comments like this usually do). I hate that my mere existence can be frightening to a child. I have spent my whole life around kids and have made making connections with them a career that I'm proud of. It is horrible to think that I could scare a child just by being near, and it's even worse to think that my only difference to them is that I lack hair on my head. I can only imagine how they will respond to people who have more obvious and distinct differences.

Although my first reaction to this situation was to be hurt and a tiny bit ashamed of who I am, those feelings are not the ones that direct me. Instead, with some reflection, I have decided that these situations will be my motivation to continue to be who I am and be proud. Until kids are exposed to people who are different, they will not learn how to be accepting. If I have to hear comments from children that are hurtful, at least I know that I am exposing them to a life lesson that they may not have gotten before. It's difficult to hear such sad comments, but they can be a platform to teach (which is right up my ally).

Why I Won’t Write: What No One Tells You about Labor/Delivery

I have written a couple of posts about the process of becoming a mommy and the things that I would have liked to know before jumping in. But there is one part of the process that I don’t think I need to write about. There are two reasons why I will never write a post about the things future mothers should know about labor and delivery.

 The first reason is that no two experiences are exactly alike. No matter what I have to say about the way that my labor and delivery experiences went, yours will go very differently. Discussing my personal experiences will do nothing to prepare another mommy for what is to come. In fact, hearing the horrific details of my labor/delivery will only scare those who read about them. This alone is a reason not to share.

The second reason to skip this part of the progression is that, if you are pregnant or even know someone who has recently given birth, you have already heard all the details. This is because mommies are proud of what they go through when bringing their children into the world, and they love to share their personal experience with anyone who will listen. I know this because I am one of them. I will share everything that I can remember about the times when my sons were born, with anyone who will listen, and I have noticed that the mommies I share my time with are just as open about what they went through.

As mommies, we are proud of how much we are willing to go through for our children, and proud of our sacrifices and scars. We wear these experiences like medals and are happy to re-live every part of it as a reminder of how amazing we are and how much we love our babies. If you are truly curious about the things that no one talks about, find a mom and ask. You should plan for a long conversation, so make sure you have a great deal of time to spare.

Letters to Irritating People

I try very hard to not be negative, but the past two weeks have resulted in a list of irritating people who I would like to send a quick note to. Here are the letters that I would like to write to these people:

 Dear Toddler Time Lady,

    Considering the fact that you run a class entitled “Toddler Time”, it may be a good idea to actually like toddlers. No, two year olds are not able to sit criss-cross-applesauce for a ten minute period while you read a picture book in a monotone voice and at a snail’s pace. No, toddlers do not remember, nor do they care, about acting out every animal in the Animal Song in the exact same way that you do. And, no I do not plan to bring my toddler to “Baby Time” so that he can sit in a corner, by himself, playing with the three blocks that you have set aside for “the siblings”, while Nolan and I sing songs and play games without him. Thank you for your time and effort.

                                                                                                                                          Signed,

                                                                                                                    The Mommy of the “Active Boy”

 To the Noisy Neighbor,

     I know that motorcycles are extremely cool and that you are proud of your mode of transportation. In fact, your particular motorcycle is more awesome than most. That is why I’m suggestion that you keep it out of the rainy, cold Oregon weather. Instead of running it for a half an hour before finally driving off in a disruptive fashion, it may be better to pack it away in the back of your garage until sunnier days are here. Also, I think the time of day that you choose to take it out (when my sons are napping), may actually be causing serious damage to the engine. Because I am so enamored by your motorcycle, I would love to take it off your hands. My grandmother has a beautiful farm where it could run wild and be free. Think about my offer.

                                                                                                                                    Your Friendly Neighbor

Dear Open Gym Mommy,

     Ten to eleven o’clock is Toddler Open Gym. It is not a good idea to bring your five year old, who is three times the size of the other kids. It would be a good idea; however, to actually get out of the chair you sit in and “help” your child make better choices. When a young man thinks that it is okay to push a child, that is much smaller than he is, off the mats and ramps, just because he wants them, it may be a sign that he needs some parental guidance. Also, when your child screams in the faces of others and bites them, it may mean that he needs a break. And when another parent has to step in when your son is kicking everyone within reach, I would suggest acting, at least a little, like those behaviors are not alright. These are just suggestions. I know that you will do what works for you.

                                                                                Sincerely,

                                                                 The Mom toting a 6 week old who also supervises her toddler

 To Massage Parlor Manager,

    After painstakingly carving out time away from my toddler and my nursing newborn, it was fabulous to get such an amazing massage. The best part of the experience was afterwards, when you repeatedly inquired about gaining me as a member. I understand that saying “No.” may sound a bit rude and I’m sorry you had to hear it so many times. Unfortunately, even though you were able to analyze my health insurance needs and my benefits without any information, I’m still not going to be able to make the weekly appointments that you suggest. I have to say, it was refreshing to walk out of your massage parlor feeling the same amount of stress and frustration as I walked in with. I do love having tense shoulders, a headache, and to feel as though the hour and a half that I was away from my children was a complete waste of time. Oh, and to top it all off, thank you for arguing with me about the amount owed, even after being told by the receptionist that the gift card I brought would cover everything. Walking away from your aggravated glares was a pleasure.

                                                                                                                         Your 10 o’clock Appointment

 

New Baby Transition Tips for Toddlers

When I hit the part of my second pregnancy where being physically active became difficult and my energy level was almost non-existent, I began to worry about adding a newborn to the mix. My older son had just turned two when my husband and I found out we were going to be adding a new family member to the mix. Interestingly enough, about two months later our calm, quiet little man turned into a loud, talkative, inquisitive limit-tester. Great timing, I know! As the months went on, my fear of the transition from one to two grew.

Liam was picking up on the changes I was going through, and did not like them one bit. He constantly complained that I couldn’t carry him, swing him around, or sit on the floor and play with him for hours.

His growing need for attention and my growing belly were in competition and I was already having a difficult time keeping up with the demand. How would I be able to handle two when both of them could be vocal? Also, how was I going to make the transition smooth for my oldest? I was so worried that Liam would resent his younger brother and would begin to act out for attention. I never wanted Liam to think he was being replaced, that mommy no longer had time for him, or that baby brother’s needs came before his. Liam was my first baby and it was so difficult to think about how adding another baby could change who he was.

I spent months reading up on how to ease the transition, talking to friends and family with multiple children, and brainstorming ways to prepare Liam for the changes ahead. Amazingly the transition has been relatively smooth. There have been a couple of bumps in the road: “Mommy, Nolan needs to go to his own home now” and “He needs to find his own mommy”, but he also really cares about his little brother. He gives him kisses every morning, night, and every other time he leaves him, plays with him on the floor, and proudly introduces him to everyone we meet.

Here are the things we tried that may help to ease the transition from only child to big sibling:

*Talk to them about the new baby as early as possible: We started talking about the new baby almost immediately after finding out I was pregnant. We told Liam that he was going to be a big brother and that there would soon be a new baby in the house. We answered all of his questions honestly, even when they were difficult. We reminded him constantly about what was to come.

*Read books: We made several trip to the library and local book stores to find books that discussed being an older sibling and read them as a family every day. Once again, Liam asked many questions about the babies and the older children in the books, and we answered the questions while discussing what it would be like for him when baby brother arrived.

*Don’t blame the baby: This one was difficult to do. Every time Liam asked to be carried or wanted me to run with him at the park, I had to remind myself not to say, “I can’t. Baby brother is getting too big” or “Baby brother is making mommy tired”. These statements make the older child feel like the new baby is already ruining their fun and taking attention away. Older siblings will learn to resent the baby even before they are born. Instead I said things like, “You are such a big boy now. You can walk like mommy and daddy” or “Mommy is a little tired today, but you can run and I will cheer for you”. These options seemed to work for my son.

*Make time to play (before and after the baby arrives): Before Nolan was born, Liam and I had a special time during the day where we would do whatever he wanted (paint, go for a walk, watch a movie, play with his toys, etc). Joe and Liam had a similar time of the day. When Nolan entered the equation this became a bit more difficult, but it is still a priority. Now we go around Nolan’s schedule, but we still have “Liam time” everyday. It may be shorter, and there may not be a specific time of the day, but it still happens. This makes it easier on Liam when I can’t give him the attention he wants.

*Big Brother Gift: When Liam came to the hospital to meet Nolan, we gave him a very special gift from his new little brother. We made sure that it was something that Liam would love, that it would last more than just a day or two, and that it was something that we could do together. In our case, it was a Spiderman bath set. It came with a Spiderman squirt toy, bubble bath, fake tattoos, and stickers. The day we came home from the hospital, Liam took a bath with mommy, daddy, and Nolan in the room to see him enjoy his gift.

*Teach them to be helpers: Even before the baby came, we started to teach Liam to be a helper. We asked him to help us get ready for Nolan- he picked out some things for the baby registry, he folded and put away baby clothes, helped assemble the crib, etc. Once Nolan came it continued, but the helpful tasks were directly related to Nolan- getting/throwing away diapers, singing to baby brother when he cries, finding toys for Nolan to play with, and picking out Nolan’s clothes for the day and pjs for the night. This not only keeps him busy, but he really enjoys helping take care of his brother.

*Family Activities: This is really two tips in one. The first is to get the older child involved in activities that are just for them. For example, since Nolan was born we have signed Liam up for swimming lessons, we now attend toddler time at our local library, family gym at the YMCA, and Joe and Liam will begin ice skating classes this weekend. We will attend these activities as a family, so that Liam gets attention from both parents and gets time where he is the focus. The second tip is to find things that will wear them out. All of the activities we chose require a great deal of movement. This makes nap time go much easier so that I can have a couple of minutes to myself in the afternoon (as long as the little one cooperates).

*Introductions: Teach the older sibling to introduce the younger one. This way, the older sibling gets attention from the visitor right away which is usually accompanied by praise and comments about how cute they are, or how great of a big brother they are. It also gives them a sense of pride for their younger sibling.

*Nursing = Attention: Whenever I nurse, Liam and I pick an activity that we can do together. This is a wonderful time to give the older sibling attention, because baby is taken care of and quiet. This works best if you have a wrap like a Moby where your child can nurse hands-free. Liam and I usually play a board game, put a puzzle together, do an art activity, or watch a movie of his choosing.

*Praise: The final tip is to praise your older child whenever they do something that shows that they care about the baby, is helpful, or shows that they are becoming more independent. Anytime that Liam hugs his brother, gives him a kiss, talks/sings to him, plays with him, or introduces him to others we tell him how great of a big brother he is. When he helps out by getting things that we need or playing quietly while I take care of the baby, he hears “Thank you!” And when he does something like go to the potty by himself or put on his clothes, I make a big deal about it. It makes him feel proud and it gives me one less thing to do.

I have heard many other tips, but these are the ones that we tried and believe were helpful in our situation. I’m sure that not all of them will work for everyone, so picking and choosing what is best for your toddler and family is important. Good luck and I hope your transition from one to two goes smoothly and happily.

Nolan and his amazing big brother

My Three Valentines

The past few years have been growing years for me and my family. This is true both literally and figuratively. We have grown in size as well as individuals. Having children helped me see what is truly important in life, and by association, what is not. I know it’s a bit late to discuss New Year’s resolutions, but until recently, I didn’t think I had any. Since Nolan was born and our family became complete, a couple of goals for the next year have surfaced.

Goal #1: Take time to really be with my babies. Not just share a space, but really put all of my attention on them while savoring every moment and milestone. It has become far too apparent in the past few weeks that these moments and milestones are flying by. My last baby is already four weeks old, a whole chapter of my life is over. I’m learning to be excited for the ones that come next and all of the wonderful things that await me and my family.

Goal #2: Share my happiness with those around me. As I said in my last post, January was the very best month I have experienced (so far). So many wonderful things happened and I will always treasure the memories of them. I have never been as happy with my life and my future as I am now, and I want to share my happiness with everyone who comes into my life. To me, this means that I will do my very best to portray my joy with smiles, laughter, and thoughtful gestures. I will do my best to pass the happiness on to the next person and show everyone in my life just how much I appreciate them and what they have contributed to my wonderful situation.

The motivation and inspiration for these goals are my three Valentines: My husband is the most amazing man I have ever met.  I will never understand why he loves me as much as he does or why he puts up with me. But I will always appreciate him and everything he does for me and our boys. He is the best father my sons could ask for and I can’t wait to see them grow and learn from their daddy’s example.

My brilliant little man, Liam, who makes me laugh every single day and surprises me on a constant basis. He is an amazing dancer who loves to show his moves whenever the mood strikes. He is the best big brother that my little gummy bear could ask for, and he changed me in the very best ways possible. I can’t wait to see him grow and become whatever it is that he is destined to be.

And then there is my little Teddy Bear, Nolan, who stole my heart from the very first cry. He taught me that there is no end or limits to a mother’s love. Before he was born, I was so worried that I would not be able to care about him in the same way that I do Liam. But all the worrying was pointless. No matter how impossible it seems to love another child as much as your first, it just happens and it is fluid and flawless.

I know how lucky I am to be a part of my boys’ lives. They mean everything to me and make me want to be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, and overall-person. Valentine’s Day is not about chocolate, flowers, and hearts……it is about love and remembering just how lucky you are to have found it. As I told my husband earlier this week, “I don’t need a thing for Valentine’s day. I know that I’m loved and that’s all that matters.”  Luckily my husband didn't listen, and I woke up to yummy truffles and a beautiful letter written by a man who refuses to by cards.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Best Month Ever!!

Things always feel like they could be better. We all tend to focus on the things in life we wish we could change. For me, this amazing month of January 2013, that is not happening! This month will go down in Brooks family history as one of the absolute best times of our lives. First I will share the best news of all: our little gummy bear made his entrance into the world yesterday morning. Nolan Theodore Brooks was born at 8:09 am. Weighing in at 7lbs 8 oz, and 19 inches long, he is perfect in every way!

Our family is finally complete and everyone is happy, healthy, and excited for our future. Liam has already proven to be a wonderful and caring big brother. Within the first 10 minutes of meeting Nolan, he had already hugged, kissed, and tickled his little brother. When he left the hospital last night, he gave Nolan a big kiss and said "I love you baby Nolan! Goodnight!" So cute!

    The next wonderful thing that is happening this month, is that we will meet our first financial goal: paying off the car. It was hard work and required a lot of sacrifice, but we did it! We were able to pay off three years-worth of payments in ten months. Even with a hot water heater replacement, the holiday season, and a new baby on the way, we were able to stick to our plans (for the most part) and reach our goal right on time. I am so proud of us! We are already looking toward our next money-smart goal.

   And the last of the exciting things to celebrate this month, is that I was finally able to pass the Reading Specialist praxis test! The state of Oregon adopted a new version of the test in September, so I tried it again. Apparently this was the right version for me, because I ended up getting a score of 190 out of 200! Shocking when I couldn't even pass the last version, let alone only miss ten points! Although things have been going quite well for our little family for some time now, this month takes the cake! I can't imagine anything being better then the happiness, pride, and love I feel right now!

Changes

Many things about my life are about to change. Baby boy #2 will be here by next Wednesday (or earlier). As the past few weeks have progressed, every part of this pregnancy has been a roller coaster ride. Some days I'm exhausted, frustrated about my dwindling physical abilities, and ready to meet our little gummy bear. But other days my energy returns, I feel wonderful, and I can keep up with my busy toddler. This past week has been different. No up and down action now. We are headed one way, and that's down-hill. Of course, I mean this in an uncomfortable, but amazing way.
Since last weekend, I have been feeling increased contractions, been drop-dead tired, and have felt a great deal of stretching low. Since everything happened at once with Liam, it's difficult for me to be sure whether these are normal aches and pains, or something more. Either way, I'm sure that what I have been feeling is normal, I just don't know whether it means anything. Last night we hit rock bottom (figuratively). My little guy dropped suddenly (once again, not something I experienced w/my last pregnancy). Today has been extremely difficult. My energy is gone, I feel as though the baby is going to fall out of me, I can breathe better, but my anxiety level is high.
Since the plan was to work until tomorrow, I'm trying to make it through the day and will see my doctor this afternoon, when we will decide if I should return tomorrow. If this baby is anything like his brother, his big drop is a sign that he is on the way. Laim was born twelve days early, which would be today for this one. I hope that I make it to the scheduled c-section for a couple of reasons: we have a lot to do to prepare still and I want to have a couple of days where it is just Liam and I. I have already planned some wonderful outings/activities for our two days together. Joe and I have also planned a very Liam-focused weekend, complete with an at-home movie night, free swim, a trip to the park, and his favorite games, books, and food.
As I get closer to meeting little man #2, I'm so excited. I can't wait to see who he looks like, what kind of a personality he has, and how having two will pan out. But when it comes to Liam, the arrival of his little brother causes me a bit of anxiety. I have no idea how he will handle all of this. Liam and I have been two peas in a pod for almost three years. We have a tremendous bond and he is a very happy boy. I'm just worried that some of this may change in the coming months.
Some days he says he's excited to be a big brother and asks when he wakes up if baby brother is here yet, other days he says he doesn't want a baby brother and he clings to me. I know that eventually it will all work out and they will love and play with one another, but for now, Liam is all I know and he is everything to me, takes all my time, energy, and effort. I just hope he adjusts well. We have some plans in place, thanks to friends, family, and co-workers who have offered suggestions, so hopefully those will prove helpful and we will be a completely happy family very soon!