Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Letters to Irritating People

I try very hard to not be negative, but the past two weeks have resulted in a list of irritating people who I would like to send a quick note to. Here are the letters that I would like to write to these people:

 Dear Toddler Time Lady,
    Considering the fact that you run a class entitled “Toddler Time”, it may be a good idea to actually like toddlers. No, two year olds are not able to sit criss-cross-applesauce for a ten minute period while you read a picture book in a monotone voice and at a snail’s pace. No, toddlers do not remember, nor do they care, about acting out every animal in the Animal Song in the exact same way that you do. And, no I do not plan to bring my toddler to “Baby Time” so that he can sit in a corner, by himself, playing with the three blocks that you have set aside for “the siblings”, while Nolan and I sing songs and play games without him. Thank you for your time and effort.

                                                                                                                    The Mommy of the “Active Boy”

 To the Noisy Neighbor,
     I know that motorcycles are extremely cool and that you are proud of your mode of transportation. In fact, your particular motorcycle is more awesome than most. That is why I’m suggestion that you keep it out of the rainy, cold Oregon weather. Instead of running it for a half an hour before finally driving off in a disruptive fashion, it may be better to pack it away in the back of your garage until sunnier days are here. Also, I think the time of day that you choose to take it out (when my sons are napping), may actually be causing serious damage to the engine. Because I am so enamored by your motorcycle, I would love to take it off your hands. My grandmother has a beautiful farm where it could run wild and be free. Think about my offer.

                                                                                                                                    Your Friendly Neighbor
Dear Open Gym Mommy,

     Ten to eleven o’clock is Toddler Open Gym. It is not a good idea to bring your five year old, who is three times the size of the other kids. It would be a good idea; however, to actually get out of the chair you sit in and “help” your child make better choices. When a young man thinks that it is okay to push a child, that is much smaller than he is, off the mats and ramps, just because he wants them, it may be a sign that he needs some parental guidance. Also, when your child screams in the faces of others and bites them, it may mean that he needs a break. And when another parent has to step in when your son is kicking everyone within reach, I would suggest acting, at least a little, like those behaviors are not alright. These are just suggestions. I know that you will do what works for you.
                                                                 The Mom toting a 6 week old who also supervises her toddler

 To Massage Parlor Manager,
    After painstakingly carving out time away from my toddler and my nursing newborn, it was fabulous to get such an amazing massage. The best part of the experience was afterwards, when you repeatedly inquired about gaining me as a member. I understand that saying “No.” may sound a bit rude and I’m sorry you had to hear it so many times. Unfortunately, even though you were able to analyze my health insurance needs and my benefits without any information, I’m still not going to be able to make the weekly appointments that you suggest. I have to say, it was refreshing to walk out of your massage parlor feeling the same amount of stress and frustration as I walked in with. I do love having tense shoulders, a headache, and to feel as though the hour and a half that I was away from my children was a complete waste of time. Oh, and to top it all off, thank you for arguing with me about the amount owed, even after being told by the receptionist that the gift card I brought would cover everything. Walking away from your aggravated glares was a pleasure.

                                                                                                                         Your 10 o’clock Appointment


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