Custody

Yesterday was a whirlwind of activity and emotion for everyone involved. Although we have been waiting for so long and were so ready and excited for the day to come, it also brought doubts and fears and grief. I woke up nervous, but okay. Then my husband decided to write me too many sweet messages and I broke down. Cue a shower to sob in silence.

After collecting myself just enough, Cassie and I headed to breakfast. It was so strange knowing it would be our last before Maylee would be joining us. After breakfast, we headed back to the bookstore a few blocks away. I got some gifts for the Holt staff and a few things for Maylee. On our way back we stopped for our second coffee of the morning. It was extremely cold out then and we needed warmth more than anything.

By this time, we had about two hours until our meeting. We headed back to the hotel, requested a taxi, and headed upstairs to pack for the day. I have struggled for many weeks on how to write to the family who loves our girl just as much as we do. How do you thank someone for being their mommy and daddy while you couldn't be? How do you share just the right words to show that you will love them forever and be your family always? Well, due to procrastination, I had about ten minutes to write this note. It was not enough, but it never would be.

We scrambled downstairs to meet the taxi and I spent most of the drive packing the gift bags for the staff. All of this rushing was so good for my nervous mama heart. We got to Holt about 45 minutes early, so we waited in the coffee shop in the basement. Babies and foster mamas rushed by throughout our stay, which offered the best possible distraction. So soon it was time to head up. Maylee and her foster family had not arrived yet, so I gave the staff their gifts, then waited nervously in our meeting room.

I heard them coming before I saw them. Happy greetings and excitement seeped into the room through the open door. Then, in walked my daughter and the loving couple who have been her support for so long. They all looked so happy to see me and Maylee gave me several hugs right away. We chatted for a bit- talking about Maylee, their family, our family, Maylee's foster sister, and exchanged gifts. They had so many clothes, toys, snacks to send with us and to be honest, who knows what else. I still have yet to open those bags. All the while, Cassie was taking so many special pictures of our time together.

Soon it was time to head down to the Holt doctor. She did one last check up for Maylee, then sent us on our way. We headed back up to that special room on the second floor and continued to talk. But all too soon, we were headed out to meet the van that would take us back to our hotel. This was, by far, the hardest part of our entire process. Maylee loves her foster family, Joe, Liam, Nolan and I love her foster family and separating Maylee from them was heart-wrenching.

The second we reached the van, I lost it. I hugged foster mom so hard and just sobbed. I did the same with foster dad and then quickly whisked Maylee and I into the van. It was such a rush of emotions- excitement that our sweet girl was finally with me, grief for her and her foster family, terror of what our life would look like in the coming days, relief that this long, hard process was finally coming to a close.

My little Maylee was so brave. She waved goodbye to her foster family- they prepared her so well. She smiled at me while I cried, giving me the strength to be brave too. As soon as I had it together, the grief hit her and she began to cry for her foster parents. It was as if she knew exactly what was happening and it had hit her in that single moment. The tears only lasted a few minutes, then we found ways to distract one another. Finally, Maylee snuggled up to me and fell asleep.

Once we made it to our hotel room, Maylee explored and played with some of the toys I had laid out for her, but all too quickly our feisty girl needed a change of pace. We headed down to the playroom in the hotel. That didn't last long. She loved it and played well, but there were other adults and children there, and I could see it was confusing for her. She is still learning who I am supposed to be to her. I am still not her mommy in the sense that I am to the boys. That bond and role needs to develop with time.

We headed back to the room and Cassie went to get us dinner. Maylee and I wandered from toy to toy, window to window, while we waited. After dinner, we went for a walk. This was a the best experience! Maylee loves piggy back rides, so she rode on my back in the ergo. This gave me a bit of a break from her massive energy stockpile, but still felt like a bonding experience. After returning to our room, Maylee took a bath and got into her pjs. I tried to keep her up a bit longer, since it was only 6:30, but within a half an hour, bedtime with needed.

She and I laid on our bed watching Korean cartoons on a very quiet volume. She found some snacks that her foster family had packed, and even though we had already brushed teeth, she nibbled on them while she faded. As she neared the point of sleep, her grief got stronger. She began calling out to her foster family and pointed at the window, knowing they were out there somewhere.

I tried to comfort her, but she did not want me to touch her. She slowly laid down and soon her cries were quieter, then fewer and farther between, until she finally closed her eyes and fell asleep. That was 8pm last night. It is now 5:30am and she is just starting to show signs of waking. Throughout the night, she would cry out here and there, but would go right back to sleep on her own.

Yesterday, while it was the most emotional day of my life, it went much smoother than I had anticipated. I don't know what is ahead for today. We have our Visa Interview and Maylee will be reunited with her foster sister while we attend our interviews together. While I can't wait to see them together again, I know that this may throw a whole new focus of grief into our world.