Monday, April 29, 2013

Terrible Mommy

I have been quite sure for some time, that I, in no way, want more kids. I absolutely love my boys, but I'm sure that they will be more than enough for me. The last week has made me even more certain that I couldn't handle another child. Although I don't remember it, I'm sure that the first few months of Liam's life were difficult and stressful, but this time, I've noticed, taken note, and seared it into my brain.

The past few weeks have been extremely taxing on my parenting abilities and my perception of my parenting success. I will just come right out and say it, I'M A HORRIBLE PARENT! I have lost almost all ability to multi-task, Liam watches way too much tv, I have VERY limited patience, I don't have the natural ability to sit and play, and I just can't seem to get the hang of two. By the time Joe walks through the door, I am either crying, already dressed and headed on my run, or in a horrible mood. I'm exhausted!

From what memories I can piece together of Liam's early months, he was pretty easy going. At least, I could hand him to someone else, he took good naps, and he slept just about every time we took him anywhere. Nolan is not like his brother! He prefers that I be the only one who touches him, he wants to nurse every two to three hours (yes, still!), and he rarely takes naps during the day. On the plus side, he does sleep very well at night. Liam's behavior has also taken a turn for the worse. He has decided that this is the best time to begin throwing temper tantrums, and always "needs" something when his brother is attached.

It seems as though every time I get myself into a parenting groove, one (or both) of my boys throws me a curve ball. Some examples of this, as soon as we realized Nolan had acid reflux and got his meds/dosage figured out, he began teething, and as soon as I got Liam on nap-taking-track again, Nolan started refusing naps. In the time that it has taken to type to this point, I have slumped my way upstairs to replace a binky at least a dozen times.

Nolan crying, yet again.
It drives me crazy when people pretend that parenting is easy, that their children never cry, or that they never feel like taking an impromptu, kid-free (maybe even husband-free) vacation. I'm not afraid to admit that I have dealt with each of these things in just the past 24 hours. Parenting is not easy, in fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. My boys cry; my youngest cries a lot. I have even perused the "getaways" section of Groupon twice this week, and I sent a plea for an emergency drinking buddy on Facebook a few days ago.

It's quite clear that I'm just not cut out for multiple children, and I'm not afraid to admit it!

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