Monday, March 18, 2013

Ashamed, but Not for Long

I am comfortable in my own skin and proud of who I am 99.9% of the time. There is only one situation that has ever made me feel ashamed (yet, only momentarily) of my bald head. It has only happened a handful of times, but yesterday was one of them, and this instance hit me particularly hard. I spent all night thinking about why it bothered me so much, and how to turn it around and make it something positive.

I was walking through the grocery store yesterday afternoon without my family (this situation only seems to happen when I am alone), and I heard a tiny voice behind me asking, "Why doesn't she have any hair?". The mom shushed her daughter and went along with her shopping. This alone was irritating to me, but it is a normal reaction by parents. I wish that they would take that opportunity to talk to their children about how we are all a little different, or ask me why I don't have hair so that their children can learn that talking about things that their curious about is better than staring or wondering. If they even said, "She has cancer." (which is totally wrong) it would be a more acceptable response. At least in that situation, the parents are explaining something to their children, which will in turn teach them to be tolerant and accepting of differences.

In this instance, when the little girl asked again, there was a comment added which always shakes me to the core and makes me sad. She said, "She's really scary mom!". At this point, I was tired of waiting for the mom to take advantage of the situation, and I turned around to explain things to the little one. What I turned to, was a mom pushing her cart as quickly as she could, down the aisle, with her head tucked down, whispering to her daughter. Although I didn't hear the conversation, I can guess that she was saying something along the lines of, "It's not polite to say things like that." or was scolding her for making a comment at all.

I know that she was probably trying to teach her daughter to be polite and was extremely embarrassed about the situation, but from my perspective, she was making the situation worse. She was teaching her daughter to be someone who is afraid of people who are different-someone who stares and assumes, instead of someone who is open and curious about differences.

Although the mother's response bothered me, it was the little girl's comment that stuck with me throughout the day (as comments like this usually do). I hate that my mere existence can be frightening to a child. I have spent my whole life around kids and have made making connections with them a career that I'm proud of. It is horrible to think that I could scare a child just by being near, and it's even worse to think that my only difference to them is that I lack hair on my head. I can only imagine how they will respond to people who have more obvious and distinct differences.

Although my first reaction to this situation was to be hurt and a tiny bit ashamed of who I am, those feelings are not the ones that direct me. Instead, with some reflection, I have decided that these situations will be my motivation to continue to be who I am and be proud. Until kids are exposed to people who are different, they will not learn how to be accepting. If I have to hear comments from children that are hurtful, at least I know that I am exposing them to a life lesson that they may not have gotten before. It's difficult to hear such sad comments, but they can be a platform to teach (which is right up my ally).

6 comments:

  1. I think you're an amazing person, Cassie. Your positivity and thoughtfulness in writing this will truly help people gain insight on how to be more appropriate in this situation. I think you're a great writer with a lot of heart, so I always enjoy hearing your perspective.

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    1. Thank you so much Heather! My purpose in writing about this situation was primarily to make mommies and daddies think about how they would respond to this situation. So I'm glad that this is what you took from it.

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  2. I SO get this. Thanks for sharing such a vulnerable moment. You have a lot of courage. I have alopecia unviersalis but don't often go out bald, for fear of experiences like this. I was pretty distraught for awhile in the weeks leading up to the birth of my son, worried that he would look at me with his newborn eyes, instinctively looking for facial features he would recognize somehow as his mother, and see eyes without the frame of eyebrows or eyelashes and an orb instead of a soft, beautiful head of hair. Ridiculous of course, but the fear was really strong for awhile. I made sure to have my eyebrows and liner drawn on before I went to the hospital. It's sad that I feel the need to do that every time I go out, even when I'm in labor.

    www.redefinelabelleza.blogspot.com "Beauty Redefined"

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    1. I know exactly how you feel! I bit the bullet and stopped wearing a wig in high school, and although there are extremely difficult days, I have never regretted it. But my oldest son is getting to the point where I'm starting to prepare for the questions. Very soon he's going to realize that his mommy is different, and that time scares me. I have learned though, that being upfront about being bald is best for me. I'm a 6th grade teacher, and the first day of school is extremely nerve-wracking, but after that, it's a non-issue. You are amazing, strong, and beautiful! Thank you for your comment.

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  3. Cassie, you are beautiful inside and out - you should never feel ashamed about anything. Thank you for writing such a courageous post. Ryan used to get a lot of comments about him having cancer when he had 70% hair loss. It got to the point that he would just bluntly turn and tell them, "I have alopecia!" But then he was 5 so it is easier to be blunt when your 5. This was a good lesson to me that often times we don't want to be impolite by asking people things, but actually we should. I will make sure I do with my kids from now on.

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    1. Thank you Denise! I remember when my hair first fell out (I too, was 5), and I did the same thing. Kids are so much braver than adults are. There have been several times where I wished that it would be socially acceptable to respond that way. I have even thought of making a shirt that says, "It's Alopecia, NOT Cancer!"

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