We Tried, So Hard

When the river is frozen,
you know it's cold!

As frustrating as it was, with the freezing temperature and the jet lag from a day of travel through time zone after time zone, we didn't do much yesterday. That lovely, huge window which shows us the city we have been longing to visit, seemed to tease us all day. We tried our hardest to see something, to try something, but we didn't get that far. Luckily for us, there were a few things close by that we were able to experience.

We began our day bright and early- where I left off with yesterday's post. 5 am, waiting for the sun to rise. Then we headed down to breakfast. Our hotel offers a free buffet breakfast, which was fantastic. After filling our bellies, we went back to our room to create a plan of attack for the day. We decided to venture out to the park across the street. It would let us get out and about, see something, do something, but also allowed us to test out the weather without getting too far away from the warm hotel.

A chilly walk in Yeouido Park

Yeouido park was beautiful. There are trails which weave in and out of the greenery, with huge birds flying and singing. One of these paths took us to a frozen pond with a traditional Korean gazebo. Another path led us to a massive statue of King Sejong. We barely explored the park, when we all started to feel a tad too cold. On the way out of the park, we found a map which showed a forest, an arts center, and more. We hope to go back and explore the park more throughout our visit.

While heading back to the hotel, we found an entrance to the mall attached to our hotel. We walked through the mall, practically alone. Apparently, 10 am on a Saturday is not the optimal time to shop. We got some hot chocolate, then headed back to our room.

After resting for a bit, we decided to try our hand at using the subway to get to one of the many places we have on our list of things to do and see. It didn't go well. This was the first time we felt really out of place. It was also the first time frustration got the best of us. Not knowing how to use the subway system, not being able to read the signs, and not understanding the attendants who tried to help us, was rough. I have been to New York twice. I feel pretty confident in my ability to use a subway system and map, but this was a whole new ballgame.

At the same time frustration hit us, so did jet lag. We gave up- too easily probably, but decided to head back to our hotel to either ask for help (because the hotel staff is amazing!) or to get a cab. Just getting back to our hotel wore us out, so we opted to find a nearby grocery store rather than venture out farther. The attendant at the front desk was wonderful- so patient, and she gave us very easy instructions to get to the local E Mart. We walked through the underground tunnels of the subway, then emerged just blocks from the store. We wandered the aisles for a bit, grabbing what we knew would be eaten, then headed back.

Once we got back to the mall we decided to get some lunch, hoping some food would bring us much-needed energy. It did and we wandered a bookstore, looking for children's books to take home for Maylee. Finding books with characters that look like her is pretty important to me. Unfortunately, as quiet as the mall was that morning, it was that busy then and we could barely make our way through the aisles. We plan to go back today, during the quiet hours to browse at a calmer time. We also found a vendor who makes animals out of cotton candy. Naturally, we had to get the biggest sugar bunny imaginable. The boys were ecstatic.

Warming up!

Between the full bellies and pounds of sugar, we regained enough energy to visit the pool for a bit. This was another instance where we felt "obviously American". From what we gathered, in Korean culture it is customary for men and boys to wear tops with their swimsuits- oops. Also, everyone wears a cap in the pool- double oops. This led to three boys wearing bright purple borrowed caps. I wish I would have gotten a picture of this, because, well, purple caps. It was hilarious to see the attendant try to process and decide whether or not she should give me one as well. Eventually, she decided I needed one too. For the second night in a row, we ordered room service for dinner, too exhausted to get out.

Cotton Candy Joy!

I am SO thankful we chose to arrive a couple days before our first meeting, because this jet lag is no joke. We have traveled through time zones before and never had this kind of exhaustion. Again this morning, we were up bright and early, so although I have high hopes for sightseeing today, I am preparing for another day of zombie-like behavior from all of us.

We have renewed motivation to make it out of our area of Seoul. We hope to find street food and art and handmade items to bring home. Wish us luck!

We Made It!

Ready to take off!

It's 5:15 am in Seoul. In Seoul, people!

We finally made it to our hotel around 8 pm local time. It took 24 hours, two planes, and one taxi to get here, but we're here!

The boys were absolutely wonderful the entire day. They loved our flight from Portland to Vancouver, Canada. We watched the scenery shifting below us, colored and talked about the two weeks ahead. Then we landed. It was short and perfect for their first taste of travel. We ate a quick lunch, then got on our next flight. The long one.

Vancouver Airport

 This is where my concerns kicked in.    Nearly 11 hours contained is not something my boys are used to and I  was not sure how it would go. Well, they were amazing! Liam and I sat  together. We watched movies, played games, talked, ate snacks, and  read our way through the time. Nolan and Joe sat one row in front of us  and they did the same, with an added nap.

Guess who is #3 for on-flight trivia, Nolan

Side note- AirCanada was fantastic! If you ever need to travel internationally, I highly suggest them! You get to check two bags each for free plus the usual  carry on and personal item- yes, I said free. They fed us on both flights. Even the 48 minute flight. The meals on the second flight were delicious and there were three of them. They definitely made the flight easier to get through.

Although it was definitely the longest 11 hours of my life, it went so well. Now we know that the boys are great travelers and all other trips will seem like no big deal.

Since we landed in the late afternoon and didn't step foot out of the airport before the sun went down. Since it is still early here, we have only seen what Seoul looks like at night, and it's beautiful! Our hotel room has a view of the Han river and much of the city. In the dark, it is just gorgeous.

I should just put this word on repeat, but our hotel is so wonderful! Our room is huge and comfy with a spectacular bathroom with a separate shower and tub- personally, my favorite feature. Since we were so exhausted when we arrived, we opted for room service for dinner and it was so good! And the view. Just that view.

I can't wait to watch the sun come up in the city where our daughter lives. Very soon, the sun will rise with our whole family in the same city. How absolutely amazing is that?!

We don't really have a plan for today, other than to explore this city that will be such a big part of our lives from this day forward. So, here in Seoul, without a plan, today begins!

Our gorgeous view

Travel Eve

Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow we spend nearly 20 hours traveling to our daughter's country of birth. Tomorrow, we literally cross an ocean for the one that we love. We have waited 14 long months for this day. We have prepared our hearts, sorted through piles of donations, bagged thousands of pounds of blueberries, shipped package after package- all for this. Maylee Grace is worth it. She is worth every single day of preparation.

Not even half of our luggage!

Since the day we learned of our court date, we have been planning every detail of this trip- thinking through each aspect in every way imaginable to make sure we missed nothing and are prepared for everything. This last week was a busy one filled with checklists and suitcases. Until now, neither Joe or I have been able to truly be excited because there was just too much to do.

This morning, Nolan's first words to me were, "Mom, there are no more school sleeps!" The smile on his face so big and hopeful. As the day went on, I started to feel antsy. The realization of what lies ahead of us, becoming clearer. Now, the anticipation is bubbling over. At the usual bedtime, our boys were bouncing off the walls. I think they are excited. With a quiet house and nothing but hours between us and Korea, it feels surreal.

We always knew today would come, but it has also felt so far away. Not now. It is coming so fast. Tomorrow at 11:30 PM PST, we will take our first steps in Seoul. We will finally be where Miss May has grown. We will see, hear and taste things that she sees, hears and tastes every day. We will get our first glimpse into her world. Our family has overcome so many obstacles to get to this point. Tomorrow we overcome our biggest physical obstacle.

My heart is still needing this "one step at a time" pace of preparation, so once the plane touches down in the city known for it's cherry blossoms, I will finally be able to adjust my focus from travel to our time with our little girl. One foot in front of the other. One giant step at a time.

How the Adoption Wait Compares to Pregnancy

Beginning the adoption process takes the same leap of faith which pregnancy requires. You have to jump- all in, without really knowing how it will all play out. You begin this process not knowing how long it will take. The wait for a match is similar to the wait for a pink plus sign. In both situations, you can do your best to ensure that it will happen, but your control is limited.

In adoption, just like the wait to become pregnant, you question whether or not this is the best path. Whether or not you will be a good parent to your potential child. This time is filled with questions, concerns, excitement and worry. When you finally get the match call, it feels like seeing your future on a pregnancy test- a jumble of emotions.

Baby bump

I have carried two biological babies. I have waited for them through months of similar ups and downs. Similar in pattern, however the degree of emotion does not compare. Our boys were with me every minute of my wait. I could feel them, bond with them, protect them. Our daughter is not with us, she gets sick without us, she reaches milestones without us.

With pregnancy, there is a predictable "end date", with adoption no timeline is predictable. Each step comes with a wide range of potential wait times. None of which are in your control. Even the parts that are yours to facilitate, rely on others to return paperwork, notarize, review, process, etc.

Hearing word of the completion of the next step is comparable to an ultrasound in pregnancy (other than the predictable timing and personal scheduling). You wait and wait and wait for the day and when it comes you are so happy- riding a wave of pride and excitement.

Preparing

When your next family member grows in your belly, it is a constant reminder to all who see you. Your family is clearly growing. With adoption, people forget. Our boys have spent months being excited about the addition of their sister, and they forget. They have stopped believing that it will actually happen. It's been a year and all we have is words on the computer and pictures from across the world.

With pregnancy, when people ask you questions about your child and when they will arrive, it is clear that you are the expert. You have all the answers. With adoption, you don't. You only know what others tell you. You are not the expert on the timeline, process, or even your child. This is the most frustrating difference for us. When others ask for news, our response is almost always, "We don't know". To not know is tough.

When you are pregnant you know that your child will come to you as an infant who will learn who they are in front of your eyes. They will grow with your love and support, turning into someone who has pieces of you within them. With adoption, your child grows with the influence of others and their love. They become their own person without you. When you finally come together, they are already beginning to become who they will always be. Everyone has to learn about one another in bits and pieces. It's not gradual and fluid, it is disjointed and full of trial and error. We haven't even experienced this piece firsthand, and yet we know it is to come.

A care package packed with hope

When we decorated our boys' rooms or bought them outfits, we felt confident in our choices. When babies are born, they don't care what outfits they wear or what paint color you chose. When it is a toddler, they might. When we shop for our daughter or plan her bedroom decor, we worry she won't like it. We worry that we will not be in-tune with her personality and we will make the wrong choice. Will this fit her? Does she like purple? Pants or a skirt? Bright colors or calming ones? Dolls, cars or both? We won't know until she's here.


At the end of pregnancy there is birth. At the end of adoption there is "Gotcha Day". Both come with strong emotions ranging from pure love to deep fear. With birth you snuggle your precious baby and still feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and frazzled. On the day we take custody, I expect to feel all of these feelings as well. Babies cry a great deal in infancy, but you are the one that brings safety, comfort and relief. With our daughter, there will be many tears, but they will come from grief. I will not be the person who she wants comfort from. Instead of calming when I snuggle her, she will likely push me away, being sad and scared and feeling alone. Our relationship will have to grow in bits and pieces. The connection will not be instant. Although I will be on paper, I will not be her mommy in her eyes. I will be a stranger.

All our babies are worth the wait

No matter which way your family grows, it is hard to wait. Emotions come and go which vary in strength and length. For our family, the things that are different seem to pack more punch. Waiting through our daughter's adoption process is far more difficult and the emotions are heightened and never subside. Good or bad, they linger.

Someday, I hope, I will look back on this process and remember it as I do each pregnancy. "It actually went by fast", "In hindsight, it wasn't that bad", "It feels so long ago". I have said all of these things referring to my pregnancies and their births. I hope that soon I will be able to say the same when referring to this wait.

There are so many ways in which pregnancy and adoption compare and contrast. Pure love is the biggest similarity. In both, your child is your child. You love them with all of your being, you sacrifice for them daily, you wait on pins and needles for the day your lives join. No matter how your children come to you, the love is the same.

Our Daughter

To the Mother of Our Daughter,

Adoption is a beautiful blessing to all. It comes with so many wonderful pieces that connect to make those of us drawn to it, whole. I can't imagine my life or my family without this piece. The name we have given her is Maylee Grace. We chose these names to blend our heritage with yours. She will always be your daughter, for she will always know how very much you loved her.

She will know of the selfless sacrifices you made to ensure that her story would have a love-filled chapter two. She will know that you still love her, each and every day. That you think about her often and miss her always. She will know that we love you, as a vital family member. One we don't get to see, but cherish all the same.

Our daughter will know everything we know about you. She will live and grow with your culture, her culture, and now our culture. We share so many things, you and I. We share love and hope for our daughter and her future. She will make us proud. She will love you, just as I love you.

Adoption is a beautiful blessing, and it comes with grief. Your grief began the day you knew. The day her future became clear. It aches still and will continue to. Her grief began that day as well. While she may not have understood, she felt the loss of her mother. She cried out for you. She grieves your loss still and will continue to.

Our daughter has now had three foster mothers. Each of these women love her as we do. Each held her close and cared for her when we could not. Each of these mothers to our daughter mourn their loss. Each of them have made selfless sacrifices-loving our daughter, knowing she would only be with them for a short time. Each of these beautiful, selfless women brought love and care to our little girl. Each of these mothers to our daughter, grieves there loss today, just as you do.

I grieve for the months and years which I will miss. The milestones passed without me. I grieve the smiles, the snuggles, and memories. I cry when she is sick and I can't comfort her. There is a pain deep in my heart each time her brothers ask when she will be home. I grieve the pieces of her story I will never know.

Our daughter has felt each of these losses as well. While being surrounded by love and warmth, she still grieves those who are no longer able to be with her. Our daughter knows loss, she knows love, and she has, and will continue to grieve for all of us.

Someday, our daughter will begin to question her past, her present, and her future. Someday, her daddy and I will share her story. Someday, we will do our best to help her process her sadness, to help her answer her questions, and to help her feel all of the love from all who have cared for her since the moment she came into their lives. Our daughter will feel your love. She will feel the love from each of her foster mamas. She will feel so many things.

Sorting it out will not be easy. None of us will know what we are doing or how to best proceed. Without a single answer, without a feasible plan, we will-You and I, We will love her, as only a mother can.

Forever Bonded in the Deepest of Love,
Maylee's Other Mommy

Dossier Day

This past Wednesday was a day our family has waited 6 months for. It was Dossier Day. The unofficial holiday, which we have worked so hard to reach. Since the day we saw our beautiful daughter's picture and read what little information was available, we have been working like mad to get every document, to complete every class, to sign every last line, to reach the point where our dossier is complete and ready to pass on to our agency for review. Wednesday was this day!

Hours of Adoption Classes: Check!

Since we are a mere two hours away from our agency, we opted to drive that massive pile of paperwork down, rather than put it in the mail and wait on edge to hear word that it has been received. (Nothing could have convinced me to mail so much blood, sweat, tears, love, and time) We woke up that morning, anxious and a little nervous. Not only were we finally going to meet the people who have assisted us throughout this process, but we were worried that we had missed something-forgot to initial one spot, had a notary that would expire too soon, only added two copies when we needed three, etc.....

Notary Party!

We went through the morning routine to get the boys off to school and daycare, and I went through the list of requirements and each piece of paper for the (at least) sixth time. Once drop-offs were done, we headed south to our agency. The drive went so much faster than we had planned. Having a quiet car, where Joe and I could have a real conversation definitely helped. Once we got there, we were met by two of the most important women in our lives at this point- Amanda and Emily. Both of these women have supported our family through calming fears, answering a million and two questions, keeping us updated on our daughter, etc., etc. The list goes on and on, and it was such a powerful experience to meet them, laugh with them, and talk about our girl with ladies who know her as well as we do.

Saturday runs to UPS

After handing over paper-clipped packet, after paper-clipped packet, we left our agency. We were so excited to have completed this vital step in our adoption process, we were relieved to have our "To Do" list down to zero, but also extremely nervous about something not being done right or missing. Knowing that a mistake may take a few days to notice, and said mistake may take weeks (and another missed day of work) to fix and submit, we were preparing ourselves for our dossier not being sent to Korea for a while.

Immigration Appointment

I checked my email every ten minutes on Thursday, hoping we wouldn't get one saying that we would need to do more, but it didn't come. No news, is good news. I said this to myself, over and over again. Friday, I did the same. Every ten-ish minutes. While heading from one school to the other, I checked my email and saw one from Emily. Joe had already responded to it, so I saw his comments first. "Awesome!!" was all that he had to say. I then read the subject line that said, "Dossier is being sent to Korea today!". Although there was a long email with information on our next steps, I didn't need to read it just then. Our dossier was complete and it was heading to the same building, to be with the same people, our daughter sees at least once a month. The stress that I have been holding onto since November seemed to melt off of my body and a smile was plastered onto my face.

The last six months have been such a stressful, humbling, empowering, love-filled time. Our daughter is waiting and now we are waiting. Until our daughter comes home to us, we will wait: wait for EP submission, wait for EP approval, wait for a court date, wait for travel, wait to meet her for the first time, wait for the custody call, wait for travel again, and wait to have our daughter officially join the Brooks Bunch. It's going to be a lot of waiting, but guess what?? We can take it! We waited for our boys, we can wait for our girl.

Dropping off our dossier!!

The Hurry Up and Wait

It's been a while since I have written a post. I haven't found the time or energy to share as many of our adoption stories, as I thought I would. Why? Adoption is exhausting....and hard....and one of the best experiences our family has chosen to experience.

Our home away from home

There are mountains of paperwork, thousands of signatures, notary appointments, many visits to the post office (the postal worker actually knows our names and runs when he sees us), classes to take, hoops to jump through, and waiting....tons and tons of waiting. But of all the hard things about this process, there are two that get to me regularly.

#1- Waiting on others: I am actually far more comfortable than I thought I would be with the waits that are just part of the process. If they are known, predictable, and typical, I can handle them. It's the times where we rush to complete our part of the process, only to wait, and wait, and wait for others to complete theirs. We have had several time-consuming hiccups which were totally out of our control (and out of the control of those we were waiting on).

Care Package #2

I am trying so hard, not to let these situations bring me down, but knowing that the extra month we waited in January and two weeks in March, has put us a month and a half further away from our daughter, is a hard pill to swallow. Waiting for what you want and have worked so hard for, is always hard, but we have a child waiting for us. Miss May is growing and learning and loving without us.

This leads me to #2.

Prepping big brothers 

#2- Thinking about our daughter: We talk about Maylee all the time. We are learning the Korean language, we have added Korean dishes to our regular menu, and we are learning all we can about Seoul, in preparation for our trips. We are preparing for her in every way possible, and I can't seem to let myself think about her.

When I focus on the next step in the adoption process, it is easier to not be overwhelmed by the sadness and helplessness that I feel, being so far away from our child. I have found myself avoiding her pictures, when I scroll through them on my phone. I talk about her to others, but try my hardest to keep her out of my mind when alone.

Picture for Maylee from Liam

Thinking of her and our future is painful. She was sick in January, and we didn't even know about it until February. I should be comforting her. I should be helping her be healthy. Instead, I don't even know about it until it has passed. As a mama, it is my job to protect my babies, to teach them, to love them. I can only do one of these things for Maylee. I can love her so much, but she doesn't get to feel it yet, and that makes me so sad.

Doing what we can

The realization has hit that we will not be with her for her second birthday and probably not Christmas. This breaks my heart. We are missing so many important things. On top of all of this, I am so sad for what she and the boys are missing out on by being apart.

For now, I have to continue to focus on the process, since that is something I can control (at least for another month or two).

I know that we will all be together soon, and all of the waiting and the hand cramps will be worth it. Dare I say, it will even seem as thought it was "not that difficult" or "actually, went quite fast". I bet it will be much like pregnancy after birth- it seems so much better, easier in hindsight.

I hope.

A message for Maylee Grace