Daily Reminders

It's been a while since I posted something. I have been waiting for this grand, interesting topic to appear. That hasn't happened. Each day looks very much like the last. The struggles we had a month ago, are the same struggles we have today (albeit to a much smaller extent) and the beautiful moments of bonding and love are the same (albeit more frequent than before).

Uphill

Each day is a baby step toward becoming whole again- for all of us. Each day, I learn a little bit more about our girl and these new brothers of a girl that I hadn't known before. Each day, I face failures and triumphs- most of which are not seen or measurable, but felt.

There are so many amazing things that come with adoption and I am so thankful to have found this path, and in turn, our little girl. We are so thankful for the bonds we have created with fellow adoptive families- those connections run deep. I feel like I need some profound words of wisdom, but there really aren't any. We just have to take our days hour by hour and learn about each other in a new way.

As our life settles in and we begin to feel as though each day is more "normal", we realize just how far we've come. From the first week, when all we saw and heard from our girl was sadness and confusion, to giggles and constant chatter (mostly in Hangul). From sleepless nights co-sleeping, to on average two wake ups in her own room, in her own bed. From frequent meltdowns without a clear reason, to more understanding, or as close to it as you can get with a two year old.

All of our relationships are growing and strengthening, and our daily schedules are solidifying and becoming the norm. Our family is adjusting very well for only being two months home, and there are aspects of the past three-ish months that I didn't plan or prepare for.

My body is finally on the mend. With lack of sleep, feeling high stress and anxiety about the future, and a constant pull to focus on everything, my body started to panic. My skin (which has always caused me grief) started looking, well, old. The color was gone, my wrinkles intensified and the bags under my eyes grew in size and darkened. I remember the dark circles with the boys too, but the rest was new. In the first couple weeks home, I lost five pounds due to sleep/eating patterns being off and many other focuses than food. Now, eight weeks later, I have gained it all back plus some. That may not sound like much, but for someone who is under five feet tall, fluctuating almost ten pounds in less than two months is huge. I have felt run down and unhealthy the entire transition.

About a week ago, I started going to bed early. The first step in becoming me again. I can finally get out and exercise- thank you mother nature for giving us sun. Now that I am home and settled, I can meal plan better so we are eating healthier. I am finally feeling a tad like myself.

Life home has been both a huge blessing and challenging. I love my time with my kiddos and I know this will be my last opportunity for this kind of family focus. I miss my work and I miss it dearly. I love the time to bond with Maylee and I miss my time with adults (and middle schoolers). I love the snuggles and pace of being home. I miss the creativity of my classroom. I am so thankful that I was able to take the rest of the school year off to focus on my family and the transition with Maylee, and I did not anticipate missing my work quite this much, nor quite this early.

I am reminding myself every morning and every night (and any other quiet, calm moments throughout the day) that this is special, important time and I need to cherish it. Even when cherishing it is tough. Even when my students email me to tell me of their accomplishments. Even when I am tired. Even when the fighting between siblings is at it's height. Even when the stinker face is the only expression I have seen. Even when the words "no", "stop", "please", and "why?!" are the only things I have said.

All of those "even ifs" have happened today, by the way.

This is special time. Hard. Very hard. But very important special time.