I may sound like a horrible, terrible, very bad mother during this post, but I want to be honest about my feelings and my pregnancy, so here goes!
For the past week or so I've been a little anxious about finding out the gender of baby #2. Yesterday was the big day, and by the time I woke up I had all but decided not to find out what we were having. I wanted to know so I could prepare for this little one, but it made me worried that I would end up being disappointed with the outcome.
To understand why, you need to know a little back story. Joe and I agreed long, long ago that we were only going to conceive two babies of our own. I have always wanted to adopt older children, and we agreed that stopping at two with the making of babies would be best. Although I wasn't completely on board with two at the beginning, after having Liam and dealing with all of the stress and emotions I felt with him, I have whole heartily-agreed. In fact, Joe was the one who had to convince me to have two!
The drive to the ultrasound was stressful and packed with racing thoughts. Knowing that this would be our last gender ultrasound, that whatever gender this baby ended up being was what we had for life, made me so scared! What if I was disappointed? What if I cried? I will feel like such a horrible mom!
With Liam gender didn't really matter to us, we have always wanted one of each, so he was just the first of two. We were thrilled to be having a little man, and I was so sad that I might not feel the same way about the gender of my gummy bear. I should be happy with any healthy baby that was growing inside me, and my biggest fear was that my heart would not agree.
I thought about the dirty looks I would get from the ultrasound tech., the "Oh, I'm so sorry!" from my friends and coworkers who knew about my hopes for one of each, and it was almost unbearable! On the way there, I told Joe I didn't want to know, but when we discussed why not, he told me that he felt the same way. That he was worried he would be disappointed too. But then he brought up a good point, this baby, boy or girl, will be ours and some day we won't even remember feeling this way, because we will love them for who they are.
This made me feel a great deal better, and we decided to find out. When the ultrasound tech. asked if we wanted to know, we both said, "Yes!". Before she could even tell us, I knew. The tell-tale body part that I saw on Liam's ultrasound was plain as day. We were having another boy!
I will admit, I felt a bit of a let down for about 30 seconds, but then an amazing thing happened. The baby started to move. I could feel it and see it. He is beautiful, just like his brother! I have to say that I am mourning the girl section at the store and shopping trips with my little girly-girl just a bit, but I already love this little one, just the way HE is!