A Letter to Teachers: Let this Ignite Us

Dear Fellow Teachers,

After watching the horrifying video pictured below several times, a wave of absolute sadness hit me. Then, and without warning, a tsunami of anger. This is not our America. This is not what we stand for.

I have spent the past few years terrified and confused about the future of our country. I have buried my head in the sand, just waiting for things to get better. I am not talking about politics. I am talking about an epidemic of hate and the growing tolerance for it.

No more.

The faces of those young men- smug, arrogant, yet so so so ignorant. Those faces are hiding in our classrooms. They are lurking in our halls. While I wish I could say with certainty, they are not, I know I would be wrong.

We can change this. We can stop this.

Yes, I know.....but social media, but friends, but parents, and youtube, and media, etc. etc.

We are on the front lines. We are this country's first line of defense against what brought those boys to that spot. To stand in front of a Vietnam Veteran- a man who fought for them and the country they live in. A man who's ancestors have more right over this land than any other man ever has.

Those faces haunt me. They also ignite me.

We can hit this hard. We can make an impact. 

You may say, "my classroom is small in comparison" and you would be right. But multiply your current student population by the numbers of years you have/will teach. Thousands of hearts to change and lessons to be learned.

This battle is just beginning. I am awake. I am ready to take this one. I am ready to fight for MY country.

See you Tuesday.

Mrs. B

Daily Reminders

It's been a while since I posted something. I have been waiting for this grand, interesting topic to appear. That hasn't happened. Each day looks very much like the last. The struggles we had a month ago, are the same struggles we have today (albeit to a much smaller extent) and the beautiful moments of bonding and love are the same (albeit more frequent than before).

Uphill

Each day is a baby step toward becoming whole again- for all of us. Each day, I learn a little bit more about our girl and these new brothers of a girl that I hadn't known before. Each day, I face failures and triumphs- most of which are not seen or measurable, but felt.

There are so many amazing things that come with adoption and I am so thankful to have found this path, and in turn, our little girl. We are so thankful for the bonds we have created with fellow adoptive families- those connections run deep. I feel like I need some profound words of wisdom, but there really aren't any. We just have to take our days hour by hour and learn about each other in a new way.

As our life settles in and we begin to feel as though each day is more "normal", we realize just how far we've come. From the first week, when all we saw and heard from our girl was sadness and confusion, to giggles and constant chatter (mostly in Hangul). From sleepless nights co-sleeping, to on average two wake ups in her own room, in her own bed. From frequent meltdowns without a clear reason, to more understanding, or as close to it as you can get with a two year old.

All of our relationships are growing and strengthening, and our daily schedules are solidifying and becoming the norm. Our family is adjusting very well for only being two months home, and there are aspects of the past three-ish months that I didn't plan or prepare for.

My body is finally on the mend. With lack of sleep, feeling high stress and anxiety about the future, and a constant pull to focus on everything, my body started to panic. My skin (which has always caused me grief) started looking, well, old. The color was gone, my wrinkles intensified and the bags under my eyes grew in size and darkened. I remember the dark circles with the boys too, but the rest was new. In the first couple weeks home, I lost five pounds due to sleep/eating patterns being off and many other focuses than food. Now, eight weeks later, I have gained it all back plus some. That may not sound like much, but for someone who is under five feet tall, fluctuating almost ten pounds in less than two months is huge. I have felt run down and unhealthy the entire transition.

About a week ago, I started going to bed early. The first step in becoming me again. I can finally get out and exercise- thank you mother nature for giving us sun. Now that I am home and settled, I can meal plan better so we are eating healthier. I am finally feeling a tad like myself.

Life home has been both a huge blessing and challenging. I love my time with my kiddos and I know this will be my last opportunity for this kind of family focus. I miss my work and I miss it dearly. I love the time to bond with Maylee and I miss my time with adults (and middle schoolers). I love the snuggles and pace of being home. I miss the creativity of my classroom. I am so thankful that I was able to take the rest of the school year off to focus on my family and the transition with Maylee, and I did not anticipate missing my work quite this much, nor quite this early.

I am reminding myself every morning and every night (and any other quiet, calm moments throughout the day) that this is special, important time and I need to cherish it. Even when cherishing it is tough. Even when my students email me to tell me of their accomplishments. Even when I am tired. Even when the fighting between siblings is at it's height. Even when the stinker face is the only expression I have seen. Even when the words "no", "stop", "please", and "why?!" are the only things I have said.

All of those "even ifs" have happened today, by the way.

This is special time. Hard. Very hard. But very important special time.

Too Brave

We have all faced painful loses in our lives. We all know the hurt that comes from the death of someone important to us- someone who has helped to shape us into the people we have become. We have all wished things could have been different, that they could have stayed with us a bit longer, that we had said what we needed to, that we could hold them just one more time. It is a universal experience that all humans share.

Imagine the pain you would feel if you had lost both your parents.......four times. Think of the hurt your heart would feel and the challenges that would bring. Now, add being taken from the only home you have ever known- the culture, the language, the sites, smells and sounds. Imagine all of that is suddenly gone. Finally, add being a toddler. All of this pain happened in just two short years. Your first two years of life. This is what you have known.

This is adoption.

This is a happier version of adoption.

Many adoption stories come with so many more hardships.

Our daughter is "lucky".

Actually, I hate that word. Our daughter is not lucky. She is not lucky to have us, she is not lucky to have lost so many people throughout her journey to us, she is not lucky to be loved. Her past is not the product of good fortune and aligning stars. In turn, we are not lucky to have her. We were meant to be her family. We worked hard to bring her home. Luck had nothing to do with it.

Many have/will say that she is lucky to be so young. "She won't remember", "You will be the only family she knows". But that's not true.

She will remember. She will always remember.

Maybe not true memories with her birth mother, or cuddles with her first foster family, or her first steps with her second foster family, or playing with her foster sister while with her third foster family. She may not actually remember these things, but she will always remember that they are absent. That there are so many parts of who she is that won't ever be the same.

Adoption trauma is one of the worst, in my opinion. Mainly because it is the only form of trauma not really recognized as such. So many people see her as being "saved". We did not save her. She had a beautiful life in Korea with her foster family. We took her away from everything that she knew. At this point, her experiences are more in line with being held captive- the opposite of being saved.

Our little girl has been through so so so many hard things in her precious life. She has recovered from things that adults can not cope with.

Yesterday, I watched my brave little girl fill ten-ish vials of blood without a squirm or a sound. Part of me was so proud of my beautiful girl- how strong and brave she is. Then it hit me- no two year old should feel the need to be that strong and brave. Not that I was hoping for screaming and flailing, but she showed no fear or concern of strangers poking and prodding her. None.

Although supporting our little girl has always been a given, we now see a very specific area of focus. We will prove to her that we are not leaving, and neither is she. She doesn't need to be so brave with us. We are safe, her feelings are safe, her memories are safe, and her past is important to us too.

This special little girl shows so much strength and love in her smile, in her hugs, in her giggles and in her tiny hand as she reaches for mine. Even after all that she has been through, she still has such a strong sense of self. She is confident, smart, kind, goofy, organized, and has no problem making her plan known (especially if it is disrupted).

We will ensure that these qualities won't get lost in her grief. We will preserve the truest version of our daughter. We will do all these things by checking our needs at the door- at least when she needs us to. We will be open and honest with her about what we know of her story. We will address the struggles that her trauma will uncover in the best way we know how. We will seek support for everything, because we know that she (and we) are not alone.

Three Weeks In

We have been home three weeks. Part of me wishes I would have done a weekly recap, part of me is glad I didn't. Although so valid at the time, there are some emotions from our first weeks that I do not wish to revisit, nor do I wish to encapsulate and preserve them in time through writing them down. I have felt more mommy guilt in the last three weeks, than I have in my almost eight years as a parent.

The first week home was rough on us- at least Maylee, Joe and I. Liam and Nolan were extremely easygoing about the chaos that ensued. It wasn't until our fourth day home when Maylee had a fever, that we learned that she had an ear infection. This was probably a contributing factor for our traumatizing travel experience, as well as her extreme sadness the first week. We knew that she would be sad and grieve, but the first week was spent with her in my arms, alternating crying, whimpering and screaming. She refused to eat, wanted nothing to do with Joe or the boys, and was only truly calm when sleeping.

This was so hard for us. We thought we knew why, but all of the skills we had spent over a year learning were not helping and we had no idea why. Maylee had been such a happy playful child in Korea and she had warmed up to her brothers instantly, but once home she seemed like a different child.

Again, we were prepared. We knew about the grief, we knew about the confusion and frustrations she would be feeling, but even as newly adoptive parents, this all seemed somehow "not right". Hearing news of her ear infection brought down our stress levels and our hearts were once again at ease. Our intuition was spot on.

Within a couple of days of antibiotics, the little girl we knew from visits and photos began to slowly emerge. She started smiling and giggling now and then, her appetite grew, and the very best sign- she began bonding with Joe and the boys.

Although she was so happy to play with the boys and interact with Joe if I was around, she continued to be upset when I left her sight and when Joe returned home from work. She would whimper or cry, which broke my heart. Of course, I was sad for her. All of this must have been so unnerving and confusing, but I was also so sad for Joe. Like me, he had waited so long and loved her so much and now she was rejecting him over and over again. He was so patient and understanding of her needs, where I found myself being increasingly more frustrated.  It hurt me to see her dismiss her daddy.

For the sake of my sanity and out of pure desperation, I decided to tune out her screams and head up stairs to take a bath and read for a bit after Joe returned home from work one day during week two. The first ten minutes were torture. She screamed so hard and called for me in a voice that could only have come from a place of pure fear. But Joe and I held strong. Soon her cries quieted and by the time I came back downstairs, she was fine- happy to be sitting with her daddy, eating a snack. Every mommy fiber of my being and everything I know about adoption-based trauma told me what I was doing was wrong, and yet it was the right call.

She still whimpers a bit and protests my husband's presence each time he returns home from work, but if I leave quickly, she warms up quickly. During our post-placement meeting, our social worker told us that this is extremely common. She is upset with him for leaving her each day and her response is a direct effect of that frustration. In short, she does it because she loves and trusts him. Such good news for this worried mama!

Now, our little lady loves legos, playing chase, stickers, and rolling around on the floor with her brothers. She gets sad at every oppa drop off and when she needs to say goodnight to them on our way to bed. She loved to eat anything and everything (except extra crunchy carrots and lettuce without ranch). She is sassy and smart. She is cuddly and creative. She loves being outside and snuggling Maizy.

Each day is a bit better than the last. Each day, our bonds get a bit stronger. Each day, our family of five solidifies a bit more.

Last night, when putting Maylee to bed, I kissed her cheek and told her that I love her. Then it hit me, "I actually do!" Not that I haven't loved her all along, but until now, I have loved the idea of her. I have loved the future that I imagined. I have loved a picture and words on paper. Now, I love HER. I love her for the child she is. For the personality that she has. For the new future I see. 

How the Adoption Wait Compares to Pregnancy

Beginning the adoption process takes the same leap of faith which pregnancy requires. You have to jump- all in, without really knowing how it will all play out. You begin this process not knowing how long it will take. The wait for a match is similar to the wait for a pink plus sign. In both situations, you can do your best to ensure that it will happen, but your control is limited.

In adoption, just like the wait to become pregnant, you question whether or not this is the best path. Whether or not you will be a good parent to your potential child. This time is filled with questions, concerns, excitement and worry. When you finally get the match call, it feels like seeing your future on a pregnancy test- a jumble of emotions.

Baby bump

I have carried two biological babies. I have waited for them through months of similar ups and downs. Similar in pattern, however the degree of emotion does not compare. Our boys were with me every minute of my wait. I could feel them, bond with them, protect them. Our daughter is not with us, she gets sick without us, she reaches milestones without us.

With pregnancy, there is a predictable "end date", with adoption no timeline is predictable. Each step comes with a wide range of potential wait times. None of which are in your control. Even the parts that are yours to facilitate, rely on others to return paperwork, notarize, review, process, etc.

Hearing word of the completion of the next step is comparable to an ultrasound in pregnancy (other than the predictable timing and personal scheduling). You wait and wait and wait for the day and when it comes you are so happy- riding a wave of pride and excitement.

Preparing

When your next family member grows in your belly, it is a constant reminder to all who see you. Your family is clearly growing. With adoption, people forget. Our boys have spent months being excited about the addition of their sister, and they forget. They have stopped believing that it will actually happen. It's been a year and all we have is words on the computer and pictures from across the world.

With pregnancy, when people ask you questions about your child and when they will arrive, it is clear that you are the expert. You have all the answers. With adoption, you don't. You only know what others tell you. You are not the expert on the timeline, process, or even your child. This is the most frustrating difference for us. When others ask for news, our response is almost always, "We don't know". To not know is tough.

When you are pregnant you know that your child will come to you as an infant who will learn who they are in front of your eyes. They will grow with your love and support, turning into someone who has pieces of you within them. With adoption, your child grows with the influence of others and their love. They become their own person without you. When you finally come together, they are already beginning to become who they will always be. Everyone has to learn about one another in bits and pieces. It's not gradual and fluid, it is disjointed and full of trial and error. We haven't even experienced this piece firsthand, and yet we know it is to come.

A care package packed with hope

When we decorated our boys' rooms or bought them outfits, we felt confident in our choices. When babies are born, they don't care what outfits they wear or what paint color you chose. When it is a toddler, they might. When we shop for our daughter or plan her bedroom decor, we worry she won't like it. We worry that we will not be in-tune with her personality and we will make the wrong choice. Will this fit her? Does she like purple? Pants or a skirt? Bright colors or calming ones? Dolls, cars or both? We won't know until she's here.


At the end of pregnancy there is birth. At the end of adoption there is "Gotcha Day". Both come with strong emotions ranging from pure love to deep fear. With birth you snuggle your precious baby and still feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and frazzled. On the day we take custody, I expect to feel all of these feelings as well. Babies cry a great deal in infancy, but you are the one that brings safety, comfort and relief. With our daughter, there will be many tears, but they will come from grief. I will not be the person who she wants comfort from. Instead of calming when I snuggle her, she will likely push me away, being sad and scared and feeling alone. Our relationship will have to grow in bits and pieces. The connection will not be instant. Although I will be on paper, I will not be her mommy in her eyes. I will be a stranger.

All our babies are worth the wait

No matter which way your family grows, it is hard to wait. Emotions come and go which vary in strength and length. For our family, the things that are different seem to pack more punch. Waiting through our daughter's adoption process is far more difficult and the emotions are heightened and never subside. Good or bad, they linger.

Someday, I hope, I will look back on this process and remember it as I do each pregnancy. "It actually went by fast", "In hindsight, it wasn't that bad", "It feels so long ago". I have said all of these things referring to my pregnancies and their births. I hope that soon I will be able to say the same when referring to this wait.

There are so many ways in which pregnancy and adoption compare and contrast. Pure love is the biggest similarity. In both, your child is your child. You love them with all of your being, you sacrifice for them daily, you wait on pins and needles for the day your lives join. No matter how your children come to you, the love is the same.

Boys

Yesterday, I attended a baby blessing for a third-time-mommy, but a first-timer for having a bouncing baby boy. Each guest was asked to bring a blessing, poem, or advice rather than gifts. I had never been to a baby blessing before, and I have to say, it was pretty wonderful. Instead of surrounding the mommy with gifts, she was surrounded with support. It felt heartfelt and powerful. Before heading to the get-together, I spent many hours thinking about what I would like to share about being a mommy of boys. I wanted it to be worth reading.

The writing process required me to think long and hard about my boys: what they do, who they are, and what our daily lives look like. It also made me think about me as their mommy: what I have learned, what I do, and how they have changed me. It was so therapeutic to reflect on these things. Writing the note was for my friend, but it ended up being for me as well. By the end, I was in love with what I came up with.

Here is what I had to say about being a mommy to boys:

As a mommy of two boys, I have a one-sided perspective on what it is like to raise children. I have no personal comparisons to be made between boys and girls, but I can share what I know of my boys and what I have learned while being their mommy. They are bold, and energetic, and exceptional. Boys do things differently.

They talk incessantly about topics which little girls see as gross. You can probably guess what topics, however, I think that it's only fair that I give you some examples: things that (should) take place in the restroom, bodily functions, and their rear ends......let's be honest, the word "butt" is used a great deal. They are loud. Everything that comes out of their mouth is decibels above the socially acceptable noise level in any given situation. They also say, "I love you", and "Mommy", and "Good Morning" in the sweetest way. They ask thoughtful questions, and they make jokes and silly faces that will make you smile on even the worst of days.

They are physical. They punch, hit, pinch, and/or kick whatever/whoever is near when they are angry, frustrated, happy, or excited. Really, whenever they feel any emotion at all. They also wrestle as their main method of play. It isn't fun until someone gets hurt. Although they may feel the need to work through their aggression in a physical way, they forgive and forget quickly and deeply. They give the biggest hugs and kisses, and they protect their loved ones with a fierce and unwavering sense of duty.

They are messy and sneaky. Everything they find amusing requires a lack of safety and/or a predetermined number of "No's" associated with it. No matter what project or activity you set before them, they will find a way to make it into a soap and water after-party for mom/dad. They also teach you to live in the moment. Not worrying about the mess, but watching them learn and grow. To see joy in little things, like how ants are swarming the discarded goldfish cracker or how the paint looks so very different on the hardwood floors than it does on the window in the kitchen. To be curious. To find the answers to the seemingly random questions- that are really well thought out and vitally important.

They are self involved and impulsive.Tantrums come anytime they do not get their way. They want what they want, and they want it now. The world has always, and will always revolve around them. Until it doesn't. One day, they will surprise you with the level of compassion they feel toward others. When it is most needed, yet not asked for, they will show they care in a way that only they can. They are instinctive and insightful, and use these super powers in the most unexpected and wonderful ways.

Your son will challenge you. He will change you and your family. He will help his siblings become the individuals they are meant to be. He will help you become the parents and people that you are meant to be.

I am completely biased, but boys are simply fantastic.

Two very special boys and their thankful mommy

Three or Done?

When asked how many kids she wanted, Taylor Swift said something along these lines, "I don't know. Until I have kids, I will have no idea what it's like. It would be silly to guess." Smart girl.

Throughout my early adult life, I had my heart set on four kids.....then I had one. It took me two years to agree to have another. My husband has always said he wants two. That's it. For a long time I agreed with him. Now I'm not so sure.

I need to sort through all of my thoughts about adding to our family. I go back and forth daily (maybe more often). Having a third child is a huge decision and we need to be sure that it is truly what we want. Plus, my husband will need a great deal of convincing.

Reasons for Three                              Reasons to be Done
Liam is an awesome big brother          Sleepless nights
Nolan needs a younger sibling             Acid Reflux
Baby snuggles                                      Spit up on every piece of clothing I own
Nursing                                                 Pumping
Liam is starting kindergarten                Liam is starting kindergarten
    (saving on childcare)                             (saving on childcare)
Baby names we love                            My feet are full
Baby clothes                                        Diapers
We have an extra bedroom                 Someone will have to share a room forever
I would love a little lady                       The thought of three boys terrifies me
Financially stable                                 Financial goals
I will love them unconditionally             Alopecia
We know what to expect                      We will be outnumbered
The baby smell                                     We have always planned to adopt
I just want to                                         I'm not so sure

                  

Big Boy Bed Tips: Times Two

Since the day baby boy #2 moved into the same bedroom as his big brother, my husband and I have dreaded the future move to big boy bed. The dread was there for several reasons. 1. My little Teddy Bear is a busy, noisy guy. 2. He has to fall asleep alone. 3. He takes FOREVER to fall asleep. Before last night, our bedtime routine consisted of both boys getting jammies on and brushing teeth together, then Teddy Bear and I would huff it up stairs to read books, rock, sing, and snuggle one on one, while Mr. Skinks and daddy picked either read a book or a show to watch together. Once the above mentioned steps were complete, I would put Teddy in his crib and join the other two downstairs.

While finishing up the show with my bigger boys, I would listen to the little one talking to himself through the monitor. When the show/book pile was complete, Liam and Joe would head upstairs, Liam would lay down, and Nolan would jabber on for who-knows how long. Usually, Liam would fall asleep quickly and eventually Nolan would too. See my problem?

How would I deal with a boy who has never liked help to sleep, is busy, knows how to open doors, likes to talk, and takes a very, very long time to go to sleep? We needed a game plan, because we were sure that this transition would not be as easy as it was with his big brother. However, since we were so successful the first time around, we decided to use several of the same tips, as discussed in the post Big Boy Bed Tips.

We did have to adjust several of the tips to fit the new situation, but they still seemed to come in pretty handy. Here is how we modified them this time around:

*Talk about the move before doing it: We did this, however on a much shorter timeline than with Liam. Since Nolan learned how to climb out of his bed, seemingly in one day, we had to rush this a bit. We did talk about it the whole day of the move though, especially at nap time (which was his last sleep in the crib).

*Let them pick out new bedding: We had just purchased new bedding a couple of weeks ago, so we didn't do this specifically for boy #2, but he did pick out his new sheets when we got them and we transferred his usual bedding to the new bed.

*Have them help with the assembly process: Again, we had to make some changes as Nolan moved into Liam's toddler bed, and Nolan's crib was converted into a daybed for Liam to sleep in. We did have both boys help with the deconstruction of the crib though. They loved helping daddy!

*Keep the crib in plain sight: As the crib has become Liam's new bed, this was an easy tip to fulfill. It's still right where it has always been.

*Don't go back: So far, so good! We learned the first time around, that you should not go back from making the switch. It makes it difficult for the little one to get comfy in their new surroundings and just prolongs the transitional period. This is a tip we will follow this time too.

*Be consistent: This pertains to how you redirect. Before making the switch, my husband and I sat down to discuss how we would get him back to his bed, if he tried to get up. Being on the same page, and having the same reaction to the situation is pretty helpful. We agreed on a course of action and are consistently dealing with it the same way, every time.

*Thing ahead: We had to do this even more so, than we did with Liam. Nolan is adventurous by nature and has no fear. This made preparing the room for more freedom a bit more complicated. When Liam moved to the big boy bed, we made sure distractions were minimal, but mainly focused on making sure that the room would be safe for him to wander alone. Knowing that Nolan would probably take his new-found independence to a new level, we practically cleaned out the room. The only things remaining were the beds and a dresser that has been bolted to the wall.

*Follow the same routine: We did this as best we could, but we did make a couple of tweaks. We still put on pjs and brushed teeth together, but now Nolan and I read books while he lays in bed, then I gently rock him in bed (more on this below) until Joe and Liam come up or he falls asleep, which ever comes first.

*Be positive: We did our best to make the switch fun and exciting for both boys. It was especially helpful to have big brother on board. As I would assume with most siblings, Nolan looks up to his big brother more than anyone else, so if Liam is excited for the change, so is Nolan.

Now for my additions:

*Help them as little as possible: This looks different for different children. For example, with my oldest, we literally put him to bed and walked out of the room. This worked well with him and he learned to put himself to sleep. However for my youngest, this won't do. If left to his own devices, he will be up until the wee-hours. Instead, I have tired a couple of strategies, listed below. The point of this tip is that you should be doing as little as possible. The sooner they put themselves to bed, the better.

      -Rocking in bed: If you have a little mover on your hands too, gently rocking them while they lay in bed is especially helpful. Put one hand on the small of their back, then slowly rock them back and forth. The pressure from your hand will give them comfort as they fall asleep, while the rocking motion helps to reduce distractions as it makes it difficult for them to focus on other things. I also realized that not giving them eye contact during this time, speeds up the process. You want them to essentially, forget that you are there so they can drift off to sleep. Once they close their eyes, slowly stop rocking. If they don't open their eyes, slowly reduce the pressure on their back, until you are able to get up and leave the room.

     -Play dead: For some kids, just having you in their room will help them to stay in bed and relax enough to sleep. Lay by the bed (not in it) and pretend to be asleep. If you need to redirect, do it non-verbally. Cause as little distraction as possible.

           *More consistency: Above I discussed being consistant with redirects. You also need to be consistent with how you help your child get to sleep. Obviously, if something is not working, you will need to try something else. However, don't do this too often and try not to make changes while in the midst of helping. Changing your plan, while it's in motion, can make it difficult for the child to know what your expectations are. It's also a welcomed distraction from the goal- sleep.

*Switch the beds, but bring the mattress: Liam and Nolan switched beds so that they each got the "I'm growing up" feeling, however Nolan took his mattress to the toddler bed and Liam took his to the daybed (converted crib). This is important as mattresses shape themselves to the person laying on them and with all of the changes your kiddos are going through, you want them to feel as comfortable as possible.

*Reduce distractions: This may seem like a no-brainier, but things that would usually not bother your kids in a normal scenario, may be just the distraction they need to stay awake when trying out a new bed. Because of the all the new things associated with this transition, a child's senses are heightened, so the slightly wet diaper, the not-quite full tummy, the music that is a smidgen too loud, or the neighborhood boy playing basketball in the street can be all it takes to ruin a perfectly good rest.

*Enlist the help of the older sibling: As I stated earlier, when big brother/sister is excited, so is the little one. This philosophy will also work when it comes to "monkey see, monkey do". If the older sibling lays down quietly right away, it is more likely that the little one will as well. Ask the big boy/girl to be your helper and praise them for doing well. Make sure that any expectations you have of them are doable and clear before sending them into the lion's den.

*Remember this is a transition for both siblings: Be patient and clear with both children. Also, make it a happy experience for both. Don't let the older sibling feel as though it is all about the younger one. They need to feel appreciated and responsible for their actions as well.

After about 30 minutes of back rubs and snuggles, I left my boys to fend for themselves and here is what I found 10 minutes later. Here's hoping for a repeat this evening!

As with my first set of big bed transition tips, take what you can use and ignore the rest. YOU know your child better than anyone. If something doesn't sound like it will work for you/them, use your best judgement. The move from crib to big boy/girl bed can be stressful and frustrating for everyone involved. No need to add to it.

I will update this post to let you know how things are going in the next week or so. I will also add new ideas, if any come to mind. Please share your experiences with these tips and any ideas you have. I hope there is a great deal of rest in your future!

Good luck!

Am I Evil?

Please tell me I'm not evil. Please tell me I'm not the only one. Please tell me that you feel and act exactly the same way when your husband is sick.

I hate to admit it, but I become an inpatient, uncaring, horrible wife when my husband is sick. My lack of understanding could be due to the fact that he acts like a gigantic baby when germs get the best of him. Or it could be how he requires total isolation when he feels the tiniest sniffle. Or it just might be the fact that I become a single parent (to three, rather than two), housekeeper, and cook when he is down for the count.

It could also have nothing to do with my husband at all. It could be the fact that my kids go completely bonkers when one of us is feeling low. As was demonstrated while I was preparing dinner, when my youngest decided to dump food coloring all over the pantry floor. Or earlier today, when he dumped out an entire, brand new box of wipes onto the floor. Or when the oldest decides that today is the day to throw every temper tantrum possible in a 24 hour period. I may resent him for putting me in these situations.

Another possible reason for my frustration could be that when I am sick, I am still here. I help as much as I can. I rest on the couch, so that I am still available to him and the boys. When he is sick, he hibernates. He is essentially useless to me and the kids. It could be that too.

Either way, no matter what the reason for my intense frustration, it is there. I actually get angry with my husband for being sick. I know it's not fair. I know my grumpiness doesn't help him get healthy faster. I know that he can't do anything about it. But I still do it. I still feel the way that I do.

Maybe it is that he is such an amazing husband and daddy, that I just don't know what to do without him. I have never felt like I have to parent alone, except when he is sick. I never feel neglected or forgotten, except when he's sick. He is my true partner, in everything that we do, except when he's sick.

You would think that this would make it easier for me to be nice to him when he's not feeling well. Unfortunately for him, I think it makes it harder.

Get well soon Joseph. Or I will have no choice, but to ignore the fact that the boys are headed up the stairs, strait toward our bedroom, in all their noisy, energy-filled, "I miss Daddy!" glory.

A Train Themed Birthday

My two year old loves his "choo choos", so when thinking about a theme to celebrate his birthday, trains were an easy sell. I started planning about a month in advance. Well, I started organizing ideas in my head. Fast forward four weeks, and you would see me frantically throwing things together, hoping for the best. This was (by far) not my most thought out party, nor was it the best organized, but I think it turned out pretty well. If I do say so myself. Here are my my long-planned, yet hastily executed results.


As guests arrived at the party, they were greeted with a railroad crossing sign, compete with neon, reflective "flashers". I love to welcome party goers in a festive, fun way. It may seem like a silly touch, but I think it helps to get everyone into party mode. It transforms my normal, everyday home into "Train World".

Next I worked on one of my favorite party-planning tricks, the picture frame sign. To go along with the train theme, gifts were left in the "Luggage Drop-Off" area and the party favors were located at the "Baggage Claim". As usual, this was one of the easiest things to do, but got tons of compliments. Everyone loved the simplistic idea and that it carried on the theme.

My next order of business was food. You can't have a good party, without good snacks. I love to bake, but I find it too stressful to try to organize food, bake it, wrap up all other party prep, and then socialize freely. Birthday parties are where I tend to take a foodie backseat. I still want to provide yummy treats for my guests, so I think long and hard about what to serve, but most likely, it won't be homemade.

The easiest place to begin was drinks. Simple. Water and coffee for adults, juice for kids. Everyone was happy. To add locomotive flair, I added tags that said "Chugga Chugga" to the drinks, then tags that said "Chew Chew" to the cookies (our treat of choice).

Speaking of cookies, we have a long-running tradition of having cookies instead of cake. We love that they are so versatile. No matter what the theme, cookies work. We also enjoy that they require no prep (before or during the party). I don't have to take time out of my visits to cut the cake, serve it, and clean up after it. I can pass around the basket full of cookies, guests can choose their favorite variation.

We have found a fantastic, local bakery that is creative, fun, and delicious. Year after year, they knock our socks off! This year was no exception. We talked into their bakery, less than two weeks ago, told them the theme would be trains and that the color scheme would be red and blue, and this is what they came up with. Amazing!

On to the snacks! I started with an idea. A snack train, where each "car" carries a snack representing something that would actually be transported on a train. Obviously, I also wanted the snacks to be tasty for kiddos and adults too. I also needed a way to store these snacks that could serve as train cars. Lastly, I wanted to find a fun way to share the food names with our guests. Here is the end result:

Rectangle-shaped containers stacked with animal crackers (livestock car), Veggie Straws (lumber car), chocolate covered peanuts (coal car), pretzel sticks (log car), and fruit snacks (produce car). The train was led by a toy engine and ran on tracks made with electrical tape stuck to the counter top.


The last task at hand, was to create the parting gifts of my Teddy Bear's buddies. I wanted to stick with the train theme, through and through, so I scoured the internet to find fun train-themed gifts. Luckily I did this part early on! I found and ordered conductor whistles, added a flashlight and a cute tag reading, "Thanks for making my Birthday Party a STOP on your trip!" and tied it all up with a bow.

It was a frantic, busy, amazing day and I wouldn't change a thing! My little man had the time of his life, we spent the day surrounded by those who love our Teddy Bear, we received a ton of compliments, and it really was quite easy to throw together, even if it was VERY last minute. I love throwing parties, planning for them, decorating, and hosting, but the very best part of hosting a birthday party, is the smiles I see on the little man pictured below. It's all for you Nolan!

My little conductor

No More News in This House

I made a decision today. There will be no more news in this house.

It is a well known statement that "everything you see on the news is sad, depressing, negative". Currently, more than ever before, this is true. I have spent my life with the core belief that people need to be informed, educated, current. I teach middle school history, where I focus heavily on the mistakes of the past and how current events connect to them. I do still believe in these things, wholeheartedly.

The reason for my family's boycott of the news, is not that I don't care about the atrocities that plague the earth, it is quite the contrary. I am saying "no" to news because I care too much. For every hour of news viewed, I spend three lying in bed being sad, wishing I had the power to stop it, worrying about what the horrible news of the day could mean for my family and loved ones. It has gotten to the point where I sleep very little and I worry too much.

The truth is, I get one chance to be happy, to love and teach my boys, to live a life I am proud of, and I refuse to let the things I can not change take those things away from me. I don't want to know anymore. I want to focus on my family, encouraging my students, and make memories with my friends. I want to live my life with as much peace and happiness as possible.

If something that could threaten the health, safety, or happiness of my family arises, I am sure I will hear about it through the grapevine. The one that consists of the people who love me and my family, the one that has our best interests at heart. With the time I have used to worry and be sad, I will be happy, peaceful, encouraging, positive, and hopeful. I can only hope that our decision will bring the same for our boys.

There is so much beauty in this world. I want to see it.

Peace and Beauty

How to be a Successful Parent of a Student

As teachers, we are constantly telling children how to be successful students; it's high-time that parents get their own list of ways to be successful parents of students. Here are six tips every teacher wishes their student's parents would use:

1. Communicate Professionally: When sending an email to a coworker, you make sure that what you say and how you say it is professional, appropriate, and respectful. Do the same when contacting your children's teacher. Remember, they are professionals, who deserve respectful interactions. Pointing fingers and blame, using language and tone that insinuates disrespect, and jumping to conclusions are not helpful, nor do they help to establish a positive partnership.

2. Communicate with your Child First: If you are confused about their progress, grades, homework, etc., start with the source. Ask your child before clicking the send button. Your child should know the answers to your questions, but if they don't, give them a chance to ask their teacher before you jump in. This helps them be responsible for their learning and teaches them communication and advocacy skills.

3. Let Them Struggle (Just a Bit): Many parents contact teachers at the very first sign of an issue. It's not a horrible idea to open the lines of communication and offer support early on, however, "saving" your child from the struggle is not always a benefit to them. Students who work for their grade, who have to put in a little extra effort, get far more out of earning the grade. I have seen the excitement and accomplishment in the eyes of my students, who (after months of hard work) have finally earned that "A", and it is a defining moment in their education. Let them have it.

4. Grades are NOT Everything: As times in education change, so does the purpose and meaning of letter grades. Earning an "A" used to mean you were a responsible, smart student who turned in their work on time, attended class daily, and participated. Now grades truly (or should) reflect what your child understands and can demonstrate according to the standards of the grade level and content of the class. Striving for a specific letter grade is not the point of education, instead we focus on progress. Gaining knowledge and being able to demonstrate that knowledge in a deeper, more thought-provoking way is the main goal and grades are made available to help teachers, students, and their parents see that progress. Long story, short....B's are not bad!

5. Support and Partner with Teachers: If your child is struggling, and you have given them time to work it out on their own, partner with the teacher in finding ways to help support your child and their learning. Ask what is being learned, ask specifically what your child is struggling with, ask what you could do at home to help support and reinforce what is being taught in the classroom. Remember to support your child, without undermining their teacher. If parents and teachers believe they are on opposing sides, the student's education is at risk. Working together and being on the same page, is what is best for all.

6. Give Teachers the Benefit of the Doubt: You love your child, you know they are smart, you want to help them be successful, but remember, they are children. They are not always honest, nor do they always know/remember the correct answers to your questions. If your child comes home from school with information that does not sit well with you, or you have questions and/or concerns, stay calm and contact the teacher using the same professional communication discussed in tip #1. Maybe your child was right and further action or discussion is warranted, but maybe their interpretation is not entirely accurate. The last thing, either the teacher or the parent wants to do is complicate a child's education by adding their own personal frustrations to the mix. Remember, trust but verify.

Parents and teachers want the same things for their children/students. We want to support them, teach them, prepare them for their future. If we have the same goals and end-game, doesn't it make sense that we should be on the same team, working together?

When I became the parent of a student

Given' it a Go

For months, I have struggled with creating a healthier menu for our family. Since we have been so budget-conscious for the past three years, we have been living on foods that consist of the coupon-worthy/last until the end of time variety. Although I know we are trying to do the best we can with what we have, I think that there has got to be a way to do better! That is why Joe and I are giving a natural, non-processed, non-boxed meal plan a try. Due to our budget constraints, this will take some planning and preparation, but we are committed to giving it our best, beginning Oct.1st.

Our goal is not to be on a "diet", nor is it to put restrictions on our boys, it is to make sure that what we eat is the most simple, healthiest food available. Get back to the basics, as it were. We are a very active family, and we want our food to work with that lifestyle. We have always tried to instill a love of "real" food in our children. We have a garden, which we plant, water, harvest, and create meals from as a family. This has become a cherished part of our time together.

The gist of our game plan:
1. Cut out packaged foods
2. Focus on fruits, veggies, whole grains, and lean meats
3. Make and/or bake all our meals from the purest ingredients possible

Plantin' some corn

Based on our own family needs, there will be some exceptions to the rules:
1. Baking ingredients are fair game. I see them as essentials, and refuse to drop them from our diet.
2. If at a restaurant or are guests in someone's home, we eat what is offered. Our goal is not to be rude or impose our experiment on others, but if friends/family come our way, we will make the meal based on our new guidelines. GUESTS BEWARE!

I know this will not be easy, could be quite time-consuming, will probably be budget-strenuous, and could require a great deal of imagination, but I think it will be totally worth it!

Stay tuned for our weekly menus, the ups and downs of our foodie adventure, and how it all pans out (pun intended)!

Happy Day

Pancake Picnic '13

It is extremely fitting that this post will be #200. Today, my boys and I had our second annual Pancake Picnic in our backyard. When comparing the pictures from our first P.P., I realized just how much our lives have changed. Obviously, we are all a year older.

Nolan has his own plate this time, he's using a fork, and sitting on his own. Where last year, he was pretty much an observer, who spent his time in my lap. Liam is the same silly, happy pancake muncher as he was last year, with one exception, he has grown into the greatest big brother Nolan could have ever asked for. I have changed too. I'm happier, healthier, and am feeling a sense of peace within our situation.

Pancake Picnic '14

Even the background of the pictures have changed. A year ago, we were living in our first home. This time around, we are enjoying a lovely meal in the shade of an Asian Pear tree that grows in the yard of our forever home. Life has changed so much in the past year. It's difficult to remember what life was like at the time that last year's picnic occurred.

 I love the changes that we have gone through, the progress we have made, the little men that my sons are becoming, and the love that is growing. Happy day!  

Silly boys!

Judge and Jury

We have all been there. You're at a party, playdate, the park, a grocery store, and your little one throws a tantrum, is "the bossy one", takes things from others, says something inappropriate, etc. You chose the scenario, but we've all been there. It's hard enough, that our job as parents is to be able to decipher this behavior, pull out the mommy/daddy trick that will defuse the situation, and do it all without breaking a sweat. Now, add on the pressure of doing this in front of dozens of judging eyes. We have all felt it.

I had a conversation with an older mommy, over the weekend, when she made the statement that, "she could just start interacting with other moms (now that her children are grown, and have their own babies), because the competitiveness is finally gone." Sad. Our best resource, as parents, are other parents, yet we feel so judged that we sever these ties. Later in the weekend, I was able to have a very insightful conversation with a long-time friend and mama, where we discussed the pressure associated with the prying eyes of other parents.

Being a parent shouldn't be about doing it "best", it shouldn't be about having the "perfect" kiddos, it should be about doing the best we can to raise happy, mindful, caring human beings. But, for many of us, we worry too much about what others think about how we deal with sticky situations. Having the experiences of this past weekend, have put me in a very thoughtful mode. In reflecting on my sons' behavior, my responses to it, my concerns about how others see me, comments that have been thrown my way, etc., I have devised some advise for myself. Reminders, if you will. Things to keep in mind, when I find myself being judged........or.......judging.

1. We've all been there!: We all want to pretend that we haven't, but we have all felt the heat, head-rush, panic, and embarrassment, of tough parenting situations. We have all been blindsided by unexpected behavior. We have all given ourselves the, "In _________ situation, I will do _________......" pep talk. So, get over it. Stop blaming the parent.

2. The judgment you feel is in your head: We all let our minds run wild with, "I bet she thinks I am a horrible parent!", "No one is going to let my son/daughter play with their kids.", "I'm sure, they are running home to complain about how I handled that situation." In many of these situations, what we believe is being thought/said behind closed doors, is probably far worse than reality. Stop worrying about what others think. Do what's best for you and your kids.

3. The judgement you feel is real: We all do it. We see a tantrum, or a grabby kid, and we think "Why isn't she/he doing this?" It's normal. Really, it's an important part of our development as parents. "Judging" a parenting situation, where you are a bystander with a front row seat, but none of the embarrassment, is the perfect time to re-evaluate your possible responses. Unfortunately, most parents don't use this opportunity to hone their own skills, they use it to belittle the parent who is "screwing it up". Judge the situation, not the parent.

4. We all do what is best for our kids, and us: If I have learned anything, since having two children, it's that there is no manual for being an effective parent. There is no "perfect" game plan. What works for one sibling, doesn't work for the other. So why would we ever think, that what works for one of OUR kids, would work for someone else and theirs??

5. Don't offer advise, unless asked: For the same reason, as #4, offering unsolicited parenting advise is a load of crap. It is a mommy or daddy's way of feeling as though they know what they are doing. Don't do it. It's not helpful. I will be honest. When someone tries to give me unsolicited advise, I instantly recount every one of their parenting "mistakes". If I'm asked, awesome, advice away! Otherwise, parents will see it as pure judgement and will tune you out anyway.

6. Train wrecks are normal: Before becoming a parent, I always thought....."My kids won't act that way!", "I wouldn't let my son/daughter get away with that.", "What are those parents doing?!" In reality, these situations are normal, unavoidable (to a certain extent). Kids learn what appropriate behavior is through parental modeling, shared interactions, and yes, misbehavior. Tantrums are a way for kids to process their feelings, before they have learned how to process them appropriately. The fact that these situations exist, is not a testament to the horrible standards/teachings of the parent, but to the normal development of a child. It is our job as parents to teach the coping, social, emotional skills needed for our babies to grow into productive, reasonable, caring adults, but it is a process, it takes time, it takes trial and error.

7. Making mistakes is part of the process: We have all reflected on a parenting faux pas and thought, "I should have handled it this way, or that way." Good! Try it next time. Stop beating yourself up, for not doing it last time. If you keep trying, eventually, you will find the response that works for you and your child. As I tell my students, the only true mistake, is not learning from them, when they occur.

I will try my hardest to be a reflecting, not judging, parent. To be a comrade, not a teacher. To be here for my friends, without feeling the need to "fix" or "change". I will take pride in my parenting philosophy, not shame in my mistakes. I will not judge others or myself, only support and encourage.

Nolan's 1st Birthday Party: One Year and Ten Days in the Making

Big Brother!

Every mommy dreams about, and dreads their child's first birthday. Party planning tends to be one way to bury the sadness that your baby is growing up. Nolan's first birthday came with an extra side of sorrow, when I realized that it fell on a conference day (meaning I would be working through the evening hours). Knowing that this is probably our last, first birthday party and that his actual birthday would be one I would spend away from him, I went full force into making his party a special day for both my boys, as well as Joe and I.

Cookie Decorating Table

I spent over a month planning for Nolan's big day. We came up with the perfect theme, and created several crafty projects to make the day fantastic. We were all looking forward to it......then life happened. Three days before Nolan's party, Liam got a fever. We had planned to go out on a family field trip the Friday before the party, since we wouldn't be able to celebrate on the big day. Because of Liam's fever, we stayed home. We kept hoping he would get better in time, but when Saturday rolled around and he was still feeling crummy, we decided to cancel. It was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make so far.

Gifts!

Every one of Liam's birthdays have been awesome. Joe and I have taken the day off every year to do something fun, and his parties have always gone off without a hitch. Now, poor Nolan. Mommy works 10 hours on your birthday (the first one!), then we cancel our family outing, now the actual party! It made me feel horrible!

Snacks!

Joe was fantastic in helping me see that we could salvage the situation. We quickly came up with a plan to reschedule for the next weekend (in between two other birthday parties). We were so lucky that everyone was able to come, even with the very short notice. Then life hit again. One week, to the day, of Liam's fever beginning, Nolan started acting uncomfortable. We were going to have this party, even if it meant that I would give flu shots, antibiotics, and vitamin C as party favors, so we rushed him to the pediatrician to try to get him healthy ASAP.

Nolan's cake

We were relieved (as relieved as you can be to hear that your child is sick), to find out that he had an ear infection and would be given antibiotics to help kick it in the rear. At least he wasn't contagious and we could treat it! By the time his party rolled around, his ear infection was better, but the antibiotics were making him quite sleepy/spacey. We had his party and it was awesome, even if he looked like a zombie the whole time.

Thank you to everyone who joined us in celebrating our Teddy Bear's first birthday! It meant a lot to us that you changed your plans, just for him. We have such amazing people in our lives!