The Glass Scattered and Nothing Changed

It finally happened. The conversation I have been dreading, yet planning for since I found out I was pregnant with Liam, was had today.

As I pulled away from our daycare to take the boys home, Liam told me about his day. All the fun he had with his friends, what he ate for lunch, and how he had put his leg (fully clothed with shoes and socks) into the pool, etc., when he quickly changed the subject. Here's how it went:

Mommy: Why did you put your whole leg in the water?
Liam: I was hot.
Mommy: Well, you could have taken off your shoes and socks first!
Liam: Mom.....?
Mommy: Yes?
Liam: The other Cassie has hair.
Mommy: Yes, she does. But I don't! (saying it with excitement, but feeling a bit panicky)
Liam: Nope, you don't........why not?
Mommy: I have something called Alopecia. Can you say Alopecia?
Liam: Aloe-pee-sha.
Mommy: That's right! That just means mommy's body doesn't like my hair, so it makes it go away. But that's okay. I like not having hair.
Liam: Ya! Lots of mommies have hair, but some don't.
Mommy: Yep. Some mommies don't have hair, some daddies don't have hair, some kids don't have hair. Just like some people have red hair, or blonde hair, or brown hair. I just don't have any!
Liam: Mommy, I like you with no hair!
*This is the point where my heart melts*
Mommy: Thank you honey. I love you, just the way you are, too!
Liam: Yep.

I have known for quite some time that Liam would notice my differences sooner or later, that the questions from the kiddos at his new preschool would prompt comments, and that I would have to explain why. I was worried about how he would respond, whether or not me being different would make him feel differently about me, that he would be ashamed or embarrassed of his mommy, and about how I would help him understand without making it a big deal. I saw this conversation as a potential "glass shattering" moment (for my friends who watch How I Met Your Mother), that he would never think of me the same way.

I should have never worried about it. My son loves me for me. Just as my students, he looks past my lack of hair, and sees me. He is so smart and understanding. He already knows what parts of a person are important. I'm so proud to call him my son, and I can't wait to see how his empathy and respect for others, and their differences, grows as he does.

Liam and his bald mama

Ashamed, but Not for Long

I am comfortable in my own skin and proud of who I am 99.9% of the time. There is only one situation that has ever made me feel ashamed (yet, only momentarily) of my bald head. It has only happened a handful of times, but yesterday was one of them, and this instance hit me particularly hard. I spent all night thinking about why it bothered me so much, and how to turn it around and make it something positive.

I was walking through the grocery store yesterday afternoon without my family (this situation only seems to happen when I am alone), and I heard a tiny voice behind me asking, "Why doesn't she have any hair?". The mom shushed her daughter and went along with her shopping. This alone was irritating to me, but it is a normal reaction by parents. I wish that they would take that opportunity to talk to their children about how we are all a little different, or ask me why I don't have hair so that their children can learn that talking about things that their curious about is better than staring or wondering. If they even said, "She has cancer." (which is totally wrong) it would be a more acceptable response. At least in that situation, the parents are explaining something to their children, which will in turn teach them to be tolerant and accepting of differences.

In this instance, when the little girl asked again, there was a comment added which always shakes me to the core and makes me sad. She said, "She's really scary mom!". At this point, I was tired of waiting for the mom to take advantage of the situation, and I turned around to explain things to the little one. What I turned to, was a mom pushing her cart as quickly as she could, down the aisle, with her head tucked down, whispering to her daughter. Although I didn't hear the conversation, I can guess that she was saying something along the lines of, "It's not polite to say things like that." or was scolding her for making a comment at all.

I know that she was probably trying to teach her daughter to be polite and was extremely embarrassed about the situation, but from my perspective, she was making the situation worse. She was teaching her daughter to be someone who is afraid of people who are different-someone who stares and assumes, instead of someone who is open and curious about differences.

Although the mother's response bothered me, it was the little girl's comment that stuck with me throughout the day (as comments like this usually do). I hate that my mere existence can be frightening to a child. I have spent my whole life around kids and have made making connections with them a career that I'm proud of. It is horrible to think that I could scare a child just by being near, and it's even worse to think that my only difference to them is that I lack hair on my head. I can only imagine how they will respond to people who have more obvious and distinct differences.

Although my first reaction to this situation was to be hurt and a tiny bit ashamed of who I am, those feelings are not the ones that direct me. Instead, with some reflection, I have decided that these situations will be my motivation to continue to be who I am and be proud. Until kids are exposed to people who are different, they will not learn how to be accepting. If I have to hear comments from children that are hurtful, at least I know that I am exposing them to a life lesson that they may not have gotten before. It's difficult to hear such sad comments, but they can be a platform to teach (which is right up my ally).

Just Like Me!

I am so excited and proud to see that little girls with Alopecia and Cancer are finally getting some affirmation that they are normal and that they are not alone in dealing with hair loss. Recently two major toy corporations have designed dolls that are bald to help girls dealing with these horrible diseases to feel more excepted and "normal".

Mattel's bald Barbie

As a young girl, I felt as though I was the only one who had to deal with being bald. I felt very alone and self conscious about my lack of hair. I felt left out when my friends did each other's hair at sleep-overs and when my sister got to pick out cute barrettes and headbands. It was always frustrating as a teenager when peers would complain about having a bad hair day when all I wanted was a hair day of any kind. It was uncomfortable when playing with dolls, because brushing their hair seemed somewhat unnatural to me. 

The American Girl doll for girls with Cancer and Alopecia

Luckily for this generation of kids, there is far more awareness about hair loss. If Mattel and American Girl are any indication, it is becoming part of the "norm" to be bald and a young girl. Bravo to these companies for helping these little girls feel a little less different, and for giving them reassurance that they are beautiful just the way they are! I am so proud of these companies and I hope with all of my heart that more follow suit and continue the progress being made.

I Guess I Surprise People.....

After taking a few minutes to share in the wonderful lunch that our administration set out for us in honor of Teacher Appreciation Week, I was heading to my classroom to get my things, when a familiar face stopped me in the halls.

"You went to Newberg High School, right?", she said.

"Yep. That's right......Oh, that's why you look familiar! You were a teacher there." I said.

She gave me a bit of an up-down look, then said, "Wow! It looks like you've done pretty well for yourself!"

I responded with an enthusiastic "Thanks!" while really thinking, "Hmmm. What is she trying to say?"

"Being a TA is an amazing job, isn't it?" she asked.

I had to think about this for a second. Apparently, she had the wrong impression and I needed to find a way to let her know without making the conversation uncomfortable.

"Yes, being a TA is a wonderful job. I loved it when I was one at Chehalem Valley a few years back, but I really love being a teacher. It's so rewarding!", was the response that I came up with.

"Oh my! YOU are a teacher here?!"

I tried really hard not to take this personally. I told myself that she responded in this way because she thought I look too young to be a teacher. Or because based on her observations of me in high school, she thought I would go into another field. Certainly, she was not surprised because of my grades in high school. I worked very hard while there and earned a high GPA. My ability to work with kids couldn't be the issue either. I spent 3 years of high school working in the Life Skills classroom with disabled children, and volunteered at two local elementary schools.

So why then, was she so surprised to see me at a middle school as a 6th grade teacher?

The short answer is, I don't know. She told me that she was extremely proud of me for making it "this far". To which I said, "Thank you." With what I'm sure was a confused look on my face, I walked out to my car. It wasn't until I was halfway home, that I realized how many people have had that reaction to me and just about anything that I accomplish.

Why is it that people have such specific and strong ideas about who I am and what I am capable of? I have wanted to be a teacher since I was very young. I spent my days lining up my stuffed animals and reading to them. Being a teacher has almost (there were a few years, after Free Willy, where I wanted to be a dolphin trainer) never been a question for me. Yet no one seems to "see" me in this role.

Maybe it's because I tend to be quiet and I'm short. Believe me, both of these qualities come in very handy when dealing with the middle school population. I don't know why people react to me the way that they do. But I'm going to learn to take it as a compliment and be happy that I seem to exceed most people's expectations of me.

Imperfection and Insecurity

Why is that we put so much pressure on ourselves to make others think we have it all together? I'm not perfect, my life isn't perfect, my body isn't perfect, my relationship with my husband isn't perfect, my son isn't the perfect child, I'm not the best teacher, etc. I will willingly admit this to anyone and everyone. I love the saying:

 "Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life." David M. Burns

I look at being imperfect as a right and privileged. I know that we say this to kids all the time, and that most of adults think it's crap, but I really do appreciate that we are all unique. I have strengths that others don't and they have abilities in areas that I lack. Associating with people who possess things that we wish to have (emotionally, educationally, personally-not monetarily or possessions), is how we learn and grow into the people we want to be. 

I have learned so much from the people around me, that I wouldn't be who I am without them! My husband has taught me to be open, laid-back, and responsible. My parents have taught me to be independent, respectful, and work hard for what I want in life. My students teach me on a daily basis, but their lessons include patience, laughter is a daily requirement, listen when spoken to, etc. My son has taught me that there are things in life worth far more than a nice car and the clothes in my closet, that you can love something far more than you ever thought was possible, and that life is all about the small things.

It makes me so sad to see/hear all of the people who think that the only way to be happy with themselves is to pretend that their lives are perfect, and to put others down for the things that they lack. No one has it all, no one ever will, so stop pretending and be proud of what you have accomplished rather than what you have. 

We are to blame for the feelings of unhappiness that plagues our lives. When we are critical of others it not only causes hurt feelings, anxiety, and stress, but it also causes the insecurities that riddles our society. If we just gave everyone some slack and respected their right to be different, look different, have different plans in life, believe different things, and have different goals, we would all feel better about ourselves!

"The reason that we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." -Steve Furtick

A Theory

A few months back, while teaching my 6th graders about hominids (early forms of man), a great discussion came about. I was specifically talking about the changes from hominid to hominid (walking upright, skull shape, facial features etc.), when a student asked if their hair loss was a form of evolution. At the time, I told her yes and explained that the earlier hominids needed more hair to protect themselves from the elements. As they evolved, and became smarter, they learned how to protect themselves in other ways and the hair slowly began to disappear from their bodies.
Another student then asked if their extra-hairy uncle was still a hominid, since he still needed so much "protection". Without meaning to, this student had created what the rest of the class thought was a pretty funny joke. We all had a good laugh and moved on with the lesson. It took some time, but as I recently recounted this story for a friend of mine, I realized that my students may have been on to something.
All this time people have said that Alopecia is a disease, that it is a genetic mutation, the product of stress and an overactive immune system, but what if they're wrong?! What if those of us with Alopecia are just the next step on the evolution continuum? It is a scientifically proven fact, that species loose the features that they no longer need, and hair has always been one of these features.
Maybe, just maybe, those of us with Alopecia have more advanced bodies, that have already learned to adapt without hair. This would make sense when you take into account that it tends to be more prevalent in families that have a history. Are Alopecia sufferers really suffering, or are we leading mankind to the next step? To be honest, when I had the idea to write about this, I thought that it would be a funny explanation for my alopecia friends and I to share with the curious people that we encounter. However, the more I write and the more I think about it, the more I believe that I (and my students) may really be on to something!

Is it just me, or it there a bald head at the end of the line!

Relate-ability

I think that being "different" has created two parts of my personality that may not have been there without it. One of these two qualities is that I have no problem putting myself in someone else's shoes. I think about how it must feel from everyone else's perspective probably more than I do my own. Sometimes this is a wonderful quality to have. For instance, when at outdoor school, a students (who is autistic) couldn't cope with the unpredictable schedule. He almost had a pure meltdown, but because I could sympathize with his frustration and confusion, I was also able to talk him down.
I believe that this trait is one of the most helpful to me in my career, in that it helps kids to feel comfortable with me from the get-go. You may think that the opposite would happen, that having a teacher who looks so different may be a reason for students to take a step away. This is not the case at all! I believe that because my differences are out in the open and obvious to all, my students feel as though they can show me theirs without fear of being abnormal. It makes me relate-able to them.
This trait is not so great in the sense that I over-think what others say and do far more than I should. I know that there are many times that I try to find emotion or hidden messages when there are none. I plan gifts/cards usually for months in advance (time consuming, I know), and I feel guilty if I don't buy something when wandering through a garage sale or when someone comes to the door. I worry constantly about how people see me. Overall, I think that this is one of my best traits, I just wish I could turn it off from time-to-time.
The second trait that I have accumulated due to my hairlessness, is magnet that pulls strangers in. No matter where I go, or what I'm doing, there is always someone who wants to share their stories with me. Once again, this can be a blessing as well as a curse. When I stop by the grocery store on my way home, with a 2 year old on my hip and a gallon of freezing cold milk in my other hand, I don't really want to listen to a story about a complete stranger's health issues.
But there are also times where this comes in very handy. I never have to worry about being the person in the corner who has no one to talk to. When I started attending a Bunco group where I only knew a few people, it didn't take long to feel like one of the pack. When attending a district-wide staff meeting, everyone knows who I am, even if I don't know them. I think that people feel like they can relate to someone who they already know has "issues".
I know I have said this before, but I truly believe that having alopecia has made me who I am, and have supplied some of the best parts of my personality. Maybe someday I will take some time to write about the not so great qualities that I've inherited, but that is for another day!

Support?

On Friday a co-worker handed me a packet for the NAAFC (The National Alopecia Areata Foundation Conference) that will be held in Washington D.C. this year. I have never been to one of these conferences and my co-worker (who has a son with Alopecia) has been telling me how wonderful and supportive these conferences are. For the past few weeks I have been considering the trip. It would be nice to take a family vacation to Washington D.C. Neither Joe nor I have been there, and it would be nice to meet some people who I can relate to in the Alopecia sense.
When I got up this morning I remembered the packet and took it out of my bag to look it over, in preparation for a discussion about the benefits of going with my husband. The first few pages are what you would expect: a page explaining who the NAAF is and what they do, an itinerary for the weekend of the conference, conference highlights, guest speakers, etc., but right in the middle of the packet is the page that shocked me. This page is titled 'Conference Registration Form'. Now, I knew ahead of time that there would probably be some sort of fee to get in. They have to pay for the conference some how. But as I looked at the fees, I was appalled!
It would cost $210 for me, $170 for my husband, and (thankfully) my son would be free. This is if I were to register before June. Otherwise it would be $520 for me and $240 for the hubby. So, best case scenario- $380 just to get in the conference, worst case- $760! This is not counting airfare, hotel, food and anything else we would need to do to get/stay there.
Is it just me, or is this completely ridiculous?! I wanted to go for support for a disease, and for my son to meet other people like me, just in case he ends up having it as well. But apparently, support costs a lot of money these days! I am fed up with the "support" we get. "We support you in your baldness, but here is a million expensive products that will "fix" you". "We would love to support you and your family...now just pay us an arm and a leg!"
I have nothing against the foundation or the people who choose to go to the conference, in fact I'm so glad that they can go, but I just find it frustrating that not only do I have to pay by being 'abnormal', but now I have to pay money to feel 'normal' for a day or two.That's crazy! If this is the kind of support that we get, I don't want it! I will take the support of my wonderful family and friends who do it without fees, advertisements about shampoo, plane tickets, suggestions for wig makers, and an underlying tone that there is something wrong with me that should be fixed.
Why is that, because I was born with something that makes me different, I'm either made to feel like I need to hide it, or I need to shell out tons of money to find others like me? Why doesn't the average person need to change to accept me? I'm the one who has had to learn to adapt, I think it's someone else's turn! Oh yes, and please do it for free.

Getting Things Because I Lack Hair

A couple of years ago I was driving my sisters home, and I'll admit, I was driving well above the speed limit. Of course, I was pulled over. I was fairly nervous considering this was only the second time I had been pulled over. When the cop came to the window he asked me the usual questions "Do you know why I pulled you over?", "Do you know how fast YOU were going?", etc. I answered truthfully and told him that I absolutely knew why, and that yes, I knew how fast I was going. He took my license and registration and went back to his car.
As I waited, completely embarrassed to have my little sister see this, I knew that a ticket would be coming with him. When he returned to my car, he handed me my information and told me "Well, since you were honest with me, I'll let you go with a warning." It wasn't until this morning that it dawned on me how many times things like this have happened to me. Going to a restaurant where they give us something for free, at a club where a man randomly gave me a rose, on vacation when a complete stranger handed me a souvenir, people on the cruise ship secretly sprinkling me with holy water, and the day when our new neighbor mowed our lawn for no reason (they could have just been tired of seeing it get taller and taller). What is it with people? Oh wait! I have "cancer" right? I guess instead of a ticket, having to pay for my dinner and my souvenirs, I get to get away with everything! Would it be horrible of me to use it?
Yes, I know it would be. I don't have cancer and I'm not going through anything remotely like what people with cancer deal with, but am I going to randomly say "I don't have cancer." when a complete stranger assumes and does something nice for me based on that assumption. Yes, if I know that is what they are thinking. But I will not tell a police officer "I don't have cancer." without a reason when he tries to hand me a warning. Not because I want to take advantage, but because I think, if they assume I have cancer, but refuse to ask me, I should just assume that they know its alopecia and are just trying to be friendly.
Moral of the story: Ask!

Abnormal and Irritated

About a week ago, a co-worker stopped to talk to me about my bald head. To my surprise, she knew that it was alopecia and not the usual assumption, cancer. After talking to her about her son and the difficulty they have had trying to find support for alopecia sufferers in our area, I've been on a bit of a mission to set something up in the Portland metro area. To help with this, I turned to Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc. to get information on how to start.
I tried to network with other alopecia sufferers to see what they do and just to talk about this disease. But guess what!? Almost anyone who says that they are associated with alopecia is trying to sell magic hair creams, hair transplants, wigs, or dermatology services. I find it sickening that when people who suffer from such a stressful disease, try to reach out to others who know what they are going through, they are bombarded with ads telling them that they need to be fixed!
I'm not saying that everyone who has alopecia should go without a wig, or stop trying to find a cure. I too wore a wig to hide the bald spots for a long time and I still might be tempted to try anything that has had success and is not as invasive as most alopecia treatments are. It took me a long time to come to terms with alopecia being a permanent part of my life, and I have no intentions of going back to the person who was afraid of what others would think.
There should be support for those of us who are fine with being hairless and in fact, are proud of it. I think of my lack of hair as I do any of my other physical traits. It is as much a part of me as my blue eyes and short stature. I don't want to hide who I am and I don't want to be made to feel like I'm alone in these thoughts. We alopecia sufferers need a place where we can feel comfortable to be who we are. Wig or bald, patchy or totalis, confident or stressed, we all have the right to be who we are without others telling us to be 'normal' (as if that were a real thing).

Expect the Unexpected

Many years ago, when I was still in high school, I was approached by a woman at a fair. She gave me the look that I am so used to and before she began to talk, I was already preparing myself to tell her "No, it's not cancer. I have Alopecia. Then I would explain what Alopecia is and she would say, "Oh, well, I have a friend/family member/acquaintance that has cancer.....yada yada yada. But this conversation went differently than most had. She asked me if I had Alopecia and told me that her young daughter (who was hiding in the distance) had it too. She explained to me how excited she had been to see me and that she couldn't wait to tell her daughter that we shared this wonderful auto-immune connection. I was so confused! This had NEVER happened before. In the 10ish years that I had been dealing with Alopecia, I had never met anyone who didn't think it was cancer, let alone someone who actually knew what it was like.
The little girl and I struck up a friendship and went to dinner/lunch a few times. She was very shy and very sweet. The last time that I saw her and her mom, she told me that I had been her greatest role model. That before me, she thought that alopecia was something to hide from. I was so proud and touched by these comments. Then I went off to college and we lost contact. I was reminded of her today, when a new co-worker walked up to me with that oh-so familiar look and a "Can I ask you something?". Again, I prepared the usual answers, but again, I was surprised. She too asked if I have Alopecia and when I said yes she told me about her son who also has it.
She too, made comments about how excited she was to talk to her son about me and how I show it off. She talked a lot about the Alopecia conventions that are all over the U.S. and about how much support there is at them. We talked a lot about the lack of support groups here in the northwest, which made me think, once again, of the plans that I have had in the past to get some sort of group together close to home. This is now my goal. I want to help those who struggle with this disease. I want to help them see that it is nothing to be ashamed of and to help educate those "cancer questioners".
For me Alopecia has been a blessing, not a curse and I want to help others see it that way too.

A Saturday Morning Funny

So we have been trying to go without cable and internet at home for about a month now. Everything is going very well and I'm suprised at how easy this has been (for the most part). We will see how things go once school is out and I can't check my e-mail daily. Anyway, Sunday morning Joe was "relaxing" on the couch and Liam was napping. I was so bored, so I tried out the Saturday morning tv line-up. Needless to say, there were not a whole lot of choices! I decided on an info-mercial (for no particular reason). It took me about ten minutes to realize that they were trying to sell me hair products that give you volume and shine. Oh man! I spent a small chunk of my Saturday watching someone try to sell a product that a bald person, like myself, would NEVER need. The worst part about it was that they almost had me sold. It did make the model's hair look nice and it made me forget that I would have no use for it. Man, they were good! I know that this is soooo random, but hey, I thought it was funny!

Learning from the Young Ones

Why do I work with kids? Why do I have massive amounts of patients for young people when I can barely stand to be around most adults? Well, for two reasons: one- I was born to be a teacher and we tend to like being around small humans, two- because kids say what adults want to and then move on. They are the most honest and forthcoming people and I appreciate that more than anything else that they do. I have alopecia totalis, this means that for a great deal of my life, I have been completely bald. You would think that this would cause some stress/uncomfortable situations with the population that I work with. But on the contrary, they are the most amazing group of "co-workers" that I could ask for.  Kids truely do not care what you look like, just whether or not you give them the respect and support that they deserve. If you do this, your appearance will mean nothing.
I didn't exactly know this when I began teaching, but it was a welcome suprise! Most of my first day jitters included being nervous about how they would react. I have always been around kids and had just thought that those particular children were beyond their years and special, when they ignored my lack of hair and acted like I was a normal human being. Now they were special, but I have come to understand that the young mind is amazing and that kids are far more advanced than adults in the concept of caring about people for who they are and not what they look like. I learned my first year, to just explain my situation fully, not in "kid" language. They appreciate being talked to like adults and respond accordingly.
Although there were months on end where my students acted as though I was the most normal personal in the world and like they had forgotten that my bald head isn't the norm, they were also so comfortable with the situation that they would throw in a joke here and there. "Wow, Mrs. Brooks, you must save a lot of money on hair products!" or "Do you want to borrow my hat, it's cold outside." became fairly common comments. Wouldn't it be nice if adults would follow their lead? Kids have never made me feel uncomfortable about being bald and different. If they care enough about it, they will just ask, whereas adults will stare and whisper, thinking that they are being disgreet. Your not! I notice you! Stop!!! Take a tip from the 5 year old with you, and just ask! It still blows me away how easy it is to be me when kids are around! I have worked so hard to be comfortable with me, hair or not, and it has seemed to rub off on my kiddos. They too love me for me, and that is amazing!

I'm Lucky that I'm already Bald!

Life is stressful for everyone. We all have times where we feel like our world is falling apart and we don't know how to fix it. The past month or so has been this time for me. There are so many reasons why I have been worried, exhausted, and on the brink of tears non-stop. I pride myself on being a strong person, who deals with things on a daily basis that others can't imagine. Don't get me wrong, I know everyone has issues, but mine are out for the world to see and sometimes the world seeing is all that I need to feel uncomfortable and sad. But I have moved past those feelings and have come out of it a very strong, self-aware person. I also know that I am a good person, who works hard to be caring and thoughtful of other people and their feelings.
But lately, knowing all of these things isn't enough to keep me together. I have been feeling pressure from so many places, that it is hard to even keep track! Because I am a third year teacher and budget cuts are looming, I don't know if I am going to have a job next year. With a one year old son at home and a degree that puts me into a very limited field (that isn't doing well anywhere) this is putting a great deal of stress in my everyday life. I'm so worried that I won't be able to support my son. There is a bright side to this issue though. If I make it through this year, I should be fairly secure. Also, if I am laid off then I always have subbing, and with being a teacher in the district for so long, I don't think that it would be difficult to find jobs. But the job security and steady pay checks are what I need now.
Also, I have had a great deal of personal stress associated with the relationships that I have. I have grown into a different person in the last year and so have a great deal of the people around me. Someone who I once thought was a dear friend, has said very hurtful things about me and my family and when I try to talk to her about it, she ignores my pleas. I just want to move on, but she has been holding me and my feelings hostige, by spreading hurtful words and then refusing to talk about it. I still stand behind every action that I have taken in this situation and I trust in my heart. I can only do so much, at some point it is up to her.
I still care about this person a lot, but I care about myself and my family more, and that is why I have given up on any change by her. I have to move on with my life and be a parent, a wife, and a friend to those who want my friendship. I can't worry about those who don't. I have realized in the past couple of days, how close to that black hole of depression I am and I refuse to go down it. I have decided to speak to a counsilor and work through the things that I can't change.
One thing about stress is that it can cause physical issues as well as emotional ones. In fact, alopecia has been directly related to stress. For this reason, I am so greatful that I have already lost all of my hair, because I am sure that I would be bald by now anyway. When I get really stressed I can "feel my hair falling out". My scalp teangles and I just know that my body is reacting. I have felt that a lot lately, but lucky for me, there are no effects!
I need to start thinking about the wonderful support group that I do have. The many friends that have stuck by me without judgement and do not cause drama. I need to surround myself with people who are with me through the long haul, not just when I follow their directions and do what they say. I need to pour every ounce of energy that I have into the students that I serve and my family who is the only reason that I am sane. I love you all and thank you so much for all that you do!

Life as of today

My life is about as abnormal as it gets. It all began when I was 5 and has continued to keep me on my toes ever since. When I was five my hair began to fall out. Terrified, my mom took me to the doctor and was told that I had alopecia (a form of hair loss). This is just one of the many abnormalities that I have been plagued with. Don't get me wrong, my life isn't terrible. In fact, I think that I have a pretty wonderful life. But there are days when my differences make life difficult. Today is one of those days!
I lost all of my hair for the 1st time when I was 5. It grew back in time for middle school (yippy!) only to fall out again at the end of my junior year of high school. Once again, I got used to it. Then it grew back, this time, just in time for my wedding to my wonderful husband, Joe. Then about two months after the wedding, back to hair in the drain and on my pillow. This was the last straw! I shaved my head and have been bald ever since.
Just as with every other time this had happened, the first few months was difficult, but soon I came to be thankful. I still am. I am happy with myself, my husband loves me just the way that I am, my son doesn't think of me as his bald mommy, just his mommy, my students (I teach 6th grade) don't care one bit, in fact they like to joke with me about it, and it takes me a fraction of the time that it takes the average women to get ready. All joking aside, I am completely comfortable with me. I just wish others would be.
The comments and unsolicited "prayers" are sweet and I know that these people just want to help, but they don't. I don't need you thoughts and prayers. I am healthy and have a fantastic life. Please send those thoughts to those who really need it. I know that this sounds horrible and I don't mean it to, but just imagine getting yourself to a cheerful, thankful place just to have others make you feel like you should be sad. I appreciate the thought, but I would rather be treated like a normal, everyday person. Because that is what I am! Hair does not make you normal, but apparently it can make abnormal.