Homecoming

It has taken me almost a week to be ready to relive our travels home. Those 48 hours will forever be some of the hardest hours of my life. Ask anyone, this particular piece of the adoption process has terrified me since day one, and for good reason. We headed to the airport early, around noon. Checkout was at noon, so we arranged for the driver Holt scheduled for us, to pick us up at the hotel then. Although our flight wasn't until 6pm, we knew that there would be many time-consuming hurdles which would help to pass the hours. The taxi ride to the airport was nearly an hour, so we were already that much closer to flight time.

We dropped off the WiFi egg, checked in, dropped off our luggage and ate lunch. All of this soaking up some of our wait time. While finishing lunch, our first meltdown of the day occurred, right in the middle of the airport food court. It was a pretty big one, maybe the biggest public tantrum I had experienced as a mama, yet it was nothing in comparison to what lie ahead of us. After finally calming Maylee, we found our gate and decided to continue to wander, exploring the airport to kill more time. We found a Pororo play area, which kept Maylee mildly amused for a bit, then we shopped a bit, specifically looking for snacks to pack away for the 9 hour flight ahead.

We finally found the only convenience store in the entire airport, which just happened to be right next to the food court from earlier, then filled a basket with anything and everything Maylee seemed interested in. We headed back to our gate to wait to board the plane. We played with stickers, colored, and took walks around the terminal to keep everyone's nerves a bay. Finally, it was time to board the plane. We got to go first, as I was "randomly selected" for another security check right before entering the plane.

We got settled on the plane without incident. We were prepared- snacks, activities, toys, kindle, TV/movies, water. Even through take off, everything seemed great. Maylee was calm, happy and I had hope for an easy flight. However, it was already past her bedtime and dinner time and dinner service hadn't even started yet. As soon as the "fasten seat-belt" sign went off, Maylee began getting restless. I unbuckled her and she stood in her space near the window for a bit- happy to be unstrapped.  Then her dinner came. She ate very little and it seemed to make her anxious. She began fussing more and more.

My dinner came and S%$* hit the fan. Her fussing became full out screaming and jumping up and down, resulting in hitting her head repeatedly on the chair in front of her. She also hit my tray several times. Of course, right then, the "fasten seat-belt" sign came on and we hit a pocket of turbulence. More screaming and more of my dinner being jostled. I eventually gave up on eating and sent the tray back, so that I could focus on calming Maylee. Finally the seat-belt sign went off and Maylee and I tried walking the aisles. This worked for a bit, but Maylee was tired, so she didn't want to walk long and started pointing at her seat as we passed. Although, sitting didn't make her happy either. She wanted to be held, but didn't want to be held.

As she became more tired, her screams became louder. Of course, the lights stayed on far too late for her and this already was not the ideal place to fall asleep, so she was not having the whole "just rest" thing. At some point, she and I made our way to the back of the plane, where the most amazing flight staff ever tried to help me distract/calm her. It would work for a minute, but then she would scream and cry again. A bit later, I got her to sleep, but only while I was holding/rocking/shushing her in unison. I spent what felt like an hour doing this, feeling like my arms and back would give out at any minute, and not quite feeling like this was real. Was it real? Did this REALLY happen? Yes, yes it did.

Thinking she was finally out, Cassie prepared our seats for her to lay down and I brought her back, where she promptly woke up more mad/sad/scared than before. This time, her screams were so loud that they attracted several flight attendants in the back of the plane, all trying their hardest to reason with the terrorist that was my toddler. None of it worked. In a last ditch effort, I got the ergo, knowing it helped her to sleep before. We avoided this up until this point, because Maylee hates getting into it and we thought she was already screaming enough without it, but at this point, what could it hurt? We were wrong. New level of screams.

She was so upset that a flight attendant walked right up to us and took her out without a word to either of us. Then Cassie took her so I could use the restroom. When I came out, Cassie had her on her back, bouncing up and down. This had worked! She was falling asleep finally. As long as she was bouncing, she was asleep, but no one could keep this up forever and after awhile we tried to lay her down again. More screaming. This went on for the first four hours of our nine hour flight. Finally, Cassie and I were too tired to stand with her, so we sat with her in the middle and turned on Pororo. Maylee spent the next hour alternating between quiet grunts while watching Pororo and more screams. Right around hour five of the flight, she finally curled up on the seat and fell asleep. Hallelujah!

She slept for about two hours, then woke up crying. I scooped her up quickly, held her like a baby and shushed her until she fell asleep again. I held her this way for another hour or so, even through the "fasten seat-belt" sign being lit multiple times. NO ONE could make me wake that girl up. NO ONE was going to make me belt her in. If it got scary, of course I would have, but there were only a few bumps and her rest and our sanity prevailed. The last hour of the flight Maylee laid with her head on my lap until just before we landed, when she woke up a bit sad but manageable.

After landing, collecting our things, and getting off the plane, we went through what felt like hell on earth. You would think that nothing could have been worse than the flight we had just endured, but you would be forgetting the damn immigration line. We were told to head to a special line to hand over Maylee's visa/immigration paperwork, which would need to be submitted for her to enter the US. I was excited as we zoomed right past the very long line for the average passenger. Finally, something would go faster than usual! Then we found the line we were looking for and there were only three people ahead of us. Score!

Nope. Each person/group in front of us took 20 minutes to be processed. You've got that right, we waited over an hour! Over an hour!!! When it was finally our turn, we handed over our passports and paperwork and were on our way within five minutes. Who knows what the people in front of us needed to accomplish with their 20 minute meetings at the counter, but I was so glad ours was fast. We then had to pick up and re-check our bags. Yep, you heard that right too. Although this was easy and fairly quick, we were all losing control of our bodies and minds. Yet another hurdle- security, then another- three trains to get to our terminal, and another- a crowded walk to a crowded seating area. Finally, we arrived at our plane, more than two hours after landing.

Our wait to board was very fast. Cassie and I each ventured out for a drink and a snack, then it was time to get back on a plane. This one was a breeze. Less than 40 minutes in the air and Maylee fell asleep near the end of it. We spent more time on the plane waiting to go, than we did in the air. Finally, something that was easy. Landing in Portland was like a dream come true. Maylee was sleeping in the ergo, I was nearing delirium from exhaustion, but my boys, family and friends were waiting for us, so I felt the energy to get there quick.

Seeing my boys, knowing that the tough two days of travel were over, and knowing our family was FINALLY together poked holes in the floodgate which had been building. I lost it. I sobbed as I hugged my boys. So happy to be home, too tired to hold in the tears. After my needed hugs, the chatting between family and friends began. Everyone was so happy to meet Maylee, even if she was completely passed out.

At my lowest, most defeated moment on our first flight, I had completely planned to call Joe during our layover and tell him to call off the welcoming committee. At that point, I couldn't even comprehend seeing anyone and felt like it would only make Maylee's experience even more traumatic than it had already been. Although at the time, that totally would have been the right call, I'm so glad that I chose not to do it. I needed to feel/see the love of my family and friends. I needed them to be excited to welcome our sweet girl. I needed it more than I ever thought I would. Even though she won't have those memories, they are special to me.

Putting Maylee in the car began as the plane had- screaming, thrashing, pure hatred in her eyes. But as quickly as she had become upset, she calmed right down and fell asleep before we had even left the parking lot. The drive home was wonderful. Chats with my boys, a sleepy girl in her car seat, and a tired mama "off travel duty". The heaven after the hell.

Our First Days Together

The last couple days have been busy and exhausting, in the best way. Thursday, we had our Visa Interview which was at noon. This meant that we couldn't do much before, as all of the families were meeting in our hotel to head to the embassy together.

We started the day with cartoons and snacks. Eventually, this led to a completely naked girl, refusing to put on any clothes. She is quite good at communicating even through the language barrier. I know when she wants something, and everyone knows if she doesn't. This lack of clothes lasted a long time, until we couldn't take it anymore and needed to get some breakfast. She was not happy about it, but we got her dressed. My sweet Maylee is an awesome eater.

The rest of the morning is a blur. We tried the playroom, but there were too many people and Maylee seemed overwhelmed, so we left pretty quickly. Other than that, I think we just hung out in our room, until it was time to meet our friends in the lobby.

It was so fun seeing everyone again! Three other families were with us- one of them Maylee's foster sister's family, one from Oregon too, and the family that we met for dinner earlier this week. It was the best to have gone through all of this together. We shared so many memories of our court trip and now here we were with our new babies. So surreal.

The Visa Interview was a breeze. Nothing to worry about at all. Just simple questions and a wait. The kiddos ran around each other and parents doted on them. I was hoping that Maylee would be excited to see her foster sister, but it looked as though they were both in shock. While they interacted a bit, neither showed signs of excitement. This made me so sad.

After our Visa Interview, we went back up to our room to drop off our things and headed down to get some coffee. Little Miss got a pudding cup (we doesn't Starbucks have these in the US??). We planned to venture further, but the wind was blowing and it was too cold, so we headed back and ordered chicken from the front desk. We visited the playroom again. This time it was quiet and she had a blast. Her silly side really come out then.


Bedtime we tough. Maylee was grieving so hard. She kept yelling for her appa (foster dad) and ayia (foster sister), over and over again. It was almost two hours of sadness and confusion. Our little girl has been through so much and the grief is so hard. She wants comfort, but not from me. Then she wants me to hold her, then she doesn't. She knows that I'm the one who took her from them and that makes it hard to want comfort from me.

Yesterday, we tried to stay busy. We all do better when we're busy. There were a few things Cassie and I wanted to pick up before heading home, so it was our errand day. We started with a walk to the square where the Olympic shops are, but they weren't open yet, so we went to a coffee shop to kill some time. Maylee had fallen asleep in the ergo, so it was a calm was to rest. After picking up some souvenirs and playing in the snow a bit, we headed to the subway station.

I wanted a hanbok for my sweet girl. Holt gave us one, but it is for a much older kiddo, so I needed one that will fit her in the next few years. Hanboks are the traditional dresses worn by Korean kiddos on their birthdays and other special holidays. Out destination was Gwangjang market. This is the best place to go for street food and a variety of shopping needs. We wandered the aisles of food and fabric for a long time. We finally found the perfect hanbok, then headed back to the food area for a snack.

We found one with kimbap and tteokbokki. Maylee loved the kimbap. I loved the tteokbokki, which is very spicy. After our snack, we headed back to the hotel. Mommy was losing steam quickly and needed a break. We played in our room for a bit, then went down to the playroom again.

Finally, it was dinner time, so we headed back to Insadong. I found the last few things I needed and we ate at a tiny restaurant, hidden in an alley. Maylee had hit her limit though- her crazies were showing, so we hurried our meal and headed back to the hotel for our nightly routine of bath, snack, bed. This time, bedtime was a breeze. She was too tired to grieve and laid down and went to sleep. 

We are leaving Seoul today. We are leaving Maylee's home, the only home she has known. We are going to begin our journey to her new home and forever family. By this time tomorrow, we will be in Seattle, just a 45 minute plane ride from home and my boys. I have missed them all so much and can't wait to see all of our babies together. Finally!

Custody

Yesterday was a whirlwind of activity and emotion for everyone involved. Although we have been waiting for so long and were so ready and excited for the day to come, it also brought doubts and fears and grief. I woke up nervous, but okay. Then my husband decided to write me too many sweet messages and I broke down. Cue a shower to sob in silence.

After collecting myself just enough, Cassie and I headed to breakfast. It was so strange knowing it would be our last before Maylee would be joining us. After breakfast, we headed back to the bookstore a few blocks away. I got some gifts for the Holt staff and a few things for Maylee. On our way back we stopped for our second coffee of the morning. It was extremely cold out then and we needed warmth more than anything.

By this time, we had about two hours until our meeting. We headed back to the hotel, requested a taxi, and headed upstairs to pack for the day. I have struggled for many weeks on how to write to the family who loves our girl just as much as we do. How do you thank someone for being their mommy and daddy while you couldn't be? How do you share just the right words to show that you will love them forever and be your family always? Well, due to procrastination, I had about ten minutes to write this note. It was not enough, but it never would be.

We scrambled downstairs to meet the taxi and I spent most of the drive packing the gift bags for the staff. All of this rushing was so good for my nervous mama heart. We got to Holt about 45 minutes early, so we waited in the coffee shop in the basement. Babies and foster mamas rushed by throughout our stay, which offered the best possible distraction. So soon it was time to head up. Maylee and her foster family had not arrived yet, so I gave the staff their gifts, then waited nervously in our meeting room.

I heard them coming before I saw them. Happy greetings and excitement seeped into the room through the open door. Then, in walked my daughter and the loving couple who have been her support for so long. They all looked so happy to see me and Maylee gave me several hugs right away. We chatted for a bit- talking about Maylee, their family, our family, Maylee's foster sister, and exchanged gifts. They had so many clothes, toys, snacks to send with us and to be honest, who knows what else. I still have yet to open those bags. All the while, Cassie was taking so many special pictures of our time together.

Soon it was time to head down to the Holt doctor. She did one last check up for Maylee, then sent us on our way. We headed back up to that special room on the second floor and continued to talk. But all too soon, we were headed out to meet the van that would take us back to our hotel. This was, by far, the hardest part of our entire process. Maylee loves her foster family, Joe, Liam, Nolan and I love her foster family and separating Maylee from them was heart-wrenching.

The second we reached the van, I lost it. I hugged foster mom so hard and just sobbed. I did the same with foster dad and then quickly whisked Maylee and I into the van. It was such a rush of emotions- excitement that our sweet girl was finally with me, grief for her and her foster family, terror of what our life would look like in the coming days, relief that this long, hard process was finally coming to a close.

My little Maylee was so brave. She waved goodbye to her foster family- they prepared her so well. She smiled at me while I cried, giving me the strength to be brave too. As soon as I had it together, the grief hit her and she began to cry for her foster parents. It was as if she knew exactly what was happening and it had hit her in that single moment. The tears only lasted a few minutes, then we found ways to distract one another. Finally, Maylee snuggled up to me and fell asleep.

Once we made it to our hotel room, Maylee explored and played with some of the toys I had laid out for her, but all too quickly our feisty girl needed a change of pace. We headed down to the playroom in the hotel. That didn't last long. She loved it and played well, but there were other adults and children there, and I could see it was confusing for her. She is still learning who I am supposed to be to her. I am still not her mommy in the sense that I am to the boys. That bond and role needs to develop with time.

We headed back to the room and Cassie went to get us dinner. Maylee and I wandered from toy to toy, window to window, while we waited. After dinner, we went for a walk. This was a the best experience! Maylee loves piggy back rides, so she rode on my back in the ergo. This gave me a bit of a break from her massive energy stockpile, but still felt like a bonding experience. After returning to our room, Maylee took a bath and got into her pjs. I tried to keep her up a bit longer, since it was only 6:30, but within a half an hour, bedtime with needed.

She and I laid on our bed watching Korean cartoons on a very quiet volume. She found some snacks that her foster family had packed, and even though we had already brushed teeth, she nibbled on them while she faded. As she neared the point of sleep, her grief got stronger. She began calling out to her foster family and pointed at the window, knowing they were out there somewhere.

I tried to comfort her, but she did not want me to touch her. She slowly laid down and soon her cries were quieter, then fewer and farther between, until she finally closed her eyes and fell asleep. That was 8pm last night. It is now 5:30am and she is just starting to show signs of waking. Throughout the night, she would cry out here and there, but would go right back to sleep on her own.

Yesterday, while it was the most emotional day of my life, it went much smoother than I had anticipated. I don't know what is ahead for today. We have our Visa Interview and Maylee will be reunited with her foster sister while we attend our interviews together. While I can't wait to see them together again, I know that this may throw a whole new focus of grief into our world.

Keeping Busy

Yesterday, was the day of distraction. Cassie and I ate breakfast, then headed out early and did not return until late in the evening. It was long and exhausting and a perfect day to come before the one where your life will change forever.

We started with a very unexpected scene. At the entrance of Insadong was a teeny, tiny car accident involving a taxi and the glass window of a shop. It was an exciting way to start the day, and we hope everyone walked away unharmed.

Then we were off  to Namdaemun Market (my favorite market). We spent a lot of time wandering the children's section, looking for adorable clothes for our little girls. It was overwhelming and wonderful all at the same time. Nothing at Namdaemun is done on a modest level. Everything is overwhelming.

The Children's section is an alley filled with booths and vendors with shoes, clothes and accessories. But there is a series of buildings where the clothing vendors pack into very tiny spots and just fill them with the most adorable clothes you will ever see. There are tight corridors where people push past you trying to find what they need, and the floor is covered with the vendors' shoes. I hope to bring you pictures later in the week, if/when we return.

After spending way too much on clothes, we headed through the rest of the market. We found the bread vendor and picked up some snacks. Then we found a tiny restaurant right off the main aisle. It was the best ramen I have ever eaten and it was only 3,000 won, or about $3. Yum!

After eating, we headed further down the main aisle to browse. Although I looked and looked, my beloved egg bread was nowhere to be found. Don't worry though, I will not stop until I have some!

From Namdaemun, we walked toward the North Seoul Tower. We made a couple of inadvertent detours, but enjoyed seeing what could be found off the beaten path. Eventually we found the path that would lead up to the tower. We took a very odd elevator up to a tram, then were finally at the top of the hill/mountain. The views were absolutely breathtaking! I know that Seoul is a huge city, with a population nearing 10 million, but until I saw the city in this way, I had no idea what that meant.

We walked around taking in view after view, each one more spectacular than the last. We took a look in the gift shop, then shared a snack in a restaurant. After eating, we headed out to a performance that was underway in the area in front of the tower. It was so neat!

After watching the performance, we needed to head back to our hotel, to then meet another family here to take custody of their sweet boy. I was so glad that we had the chance to reconnect. Our family met theirs during our last trip to Korea and it was so wonderful to get to share a bit of our time here again.


We met them in our hotel lobby, then took a cab to the Brooks' old stomping grounds- the IFC. This is the mall that is attached to the hotel we stayed at during our last trip. It was surreal to be back in that mall, wandering the same bookstore. It feels like so much time has passed since then and also none at all. We met one of their high school friends who lives in Seoul, then headed to a Korean buffet for dinner. It was so yummy. It was so nice to be able to try so many things without worry that we may not like them. I ate way too much.

During our dinner, we chatted about so many things. Our families back home, our babies waiting to join us, food, sightseeing. It was a wonderful experience to be able to hear about Seoul/Korea from someone who lives here. It was also fun to try out our Korea as he laughed at our pronunciations. After dinner, we took the familiar walk to the subway attached to the mall and took it home. It was a long day- a 10ish hour day in all, but it was the perfect distraction from the nerves that were/are bubbling inside of me.

This morning again, I woke up around five, with a racing mind and a "To Do" list scrolling. Nothing will truly prepare me for what is ahead today, but it will be incredible and beautiful and hard and sad. In six and a half hours, I will see my daughter again and we will begin the meeting which will change both of our lives forever.

I don't know if I will have the time or energy or emotional stability to post again while on this trip. I hope I do, but the next few days (and beyond) will be so unpredictable. So, bear with me. Know that I will tell the story of our first days together soon. In the meantime, pray for little girl, send positive thoughts to my boys, shower us with the love we have felt throughout this process. We need it now, more than ever.   

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

It has been harder than I thought to sit down and right about our first days in Korea, this time around. Saturday morning, Joe and the boys drove Cassie and I to the airport- bright and early. We spent MANY hours on the plane, but it was a pretty uneventful day of travel. Due to the time change, we landed in Seoul around 5:30 Sunday evening. After a long wait in the immigration line and trouble finding our bags and our driver, we were finally at our hotel. We were so exhausted, we went right to bed and slept well.

As was the case with our last trip, I woke up at 4:15 wide awake. It was nice to relax a bit. Read a book, check in at home, watch Seoul out my hotel window. When Cassie and I were both ready to start our day, we headed down to breakfast. After breakfast, we headed to Insadong.  On the way, Cassie took me to our beautiful Buddhist temple. It was absolutely gorgeous! So colorful and peaceful.

Just like last time, when we got to Insadong it was too early for any of the shops to open, so we walked the street, got coffee and people watched from the second floor of the Starbucks building. When we left, shops were finally opening up. We started to take note of what we saw and what we planned to come back to. Knowing this was the beginning of day one, we wanted to pace ourselves.

Then we headed to Gyeongbokgung Palace. Our family visited this palace on our last trip, while on our guided tour, but it is so beautiful, I was excited to see it again. We wandered the grounds, seeing many things our family had not seen last time. In fact, there were several things we missed last time. The changing of the guards, gardens, and a beautiful structure build on an island, surrounded by a frozen pond.


After leaving the palace, we walked down Gwanghwamun Square. Once again, we say this on our last trip, but this time there were several tents with Olympic activities and souvenirs lining the middle of the square. Next we went to the Kyobo Bookstore and wandered for a bit. It was huge. So many books!

Next, we headed toward Holt, so that Cassie could meet with her daughter's foster mom. This was an eventful trip. Beginning with the subway and ending with a frantic taxi ride, but we made it just in time. I feel so fortunate to have been able to witness this meeting. It was so wonderful to watch them come together and spend time sharing their love for a little girl who has been theirs at different times. It was incredible to observe.

Then Cassie and I went shopping at Home Plus (our family went there several times during our last stay). After picking up a few things, we headed to dinner. We ended up finding this lovely restaurant within the same mall as Home Plus. It was some of the best cashew chicken I have ever eaten, but that could have been that we had not really ate anything since breakfast-we were just too busy for food. After dinner, we browsed a few shops, then headed back to the subway. It was a long, long day, but it was such a wonderful one!

13 Days

The last week and a half was a whirlwind of sleepless nights and busy days. Jet lag is a real beast when coming home and we are just now getting back to our usual sleep schedules. Just now, twelve days later. We are finally settling back into our work and school schedules too. It took me last weekend to grade all of the assignments that I had missed and sort out a plan moving forward. Liam is just starting to get back into the groove of school and the expectations that he has while there. Nolan is only fighting preschool on a minimal level. Thank goodness. We are finally settled.

We came home from Korea with high hopes of a quick return to get out daughter. We hoped to be back sometime in February, but also prepared our hearts for March. 

When Joe called me at work on Thursday, I expected some questions about our taxes. He hardly ever calls me at work. Like never. So I should have known something big was to be discussed, but I didn't. Finally, after making sure I didn't have students and I had lots of time talk, he told me the shocking news. 

Just one week and one day after returning home, the judge had decided on our custody day and our agency had scheduled our visa interview. I would be heading back to Korea in just two weeks! 

It took, at least, a good 24 hours to process this amazing news. Neither of us expected such a quick turn around. We hoped for it, but didn't expect it. The timing was so very odd in that, I had my first moments of feeling anxious about news just the night before. I had been calm and patient and content for the first week home and for the very first time since returning home, I felt the slightest bit of impatience. 

Thursday was just for processing and communicating the news to family. Friday, we booked our hotel and flights. Yesterday, we celebrated Maylee's arrival with an adoption shower. In just 13 short days, I will take that long trip back to Korea to bring Maylee home. 

We have waited 16 months for this. We have planned for it and daydreamed about it and now it is here. The first 14 months of this process could be categorized as "long waits" or "snail's pace". Since December 28th, the day we learned of our court date, everything has been on hyper-speed. It has been just over five weeks since that day, and here we are- having already planned and gone on our first two-week trip, met our daughter, stood before the judge, traveled home, finally adjusted back to normal life, received our custody call, booked all travel arrangements, and now are preparing for our final trip and Miss May's arrival. Bonkers, this is just bonkers.

This is going to sound silly, but I had a massive panic attack yesterday morning, when I realized that we have no underwear to take for Maylee. Of course, I have more than enough time to get some and of course there is underwear in Korea, so my panic attack was totally unwarranted, but it happened nonetheless. The next thirteen days will speed by, whether I'm ready or not. Thirteen days to be a family of four. Thirteen days to repack suitcases (there is still one that has not been unpacked, so there's that). Thirteen days to prepare my heart for the transition ahead and moments of shear exhaustion that both Maylee and I will feel. Thirteen days to brainstorm how to get through that dreaded plane ride home. Thirteen days.