How the Adoption Wait Compares to Pregnancy

Beginning the adoption process takes the same leap of faith which pregnancy requires. You have to jump- all in, without really knowing how it will all play out. You begin this process not knowing how long it will take. The wait for a match is similar to the wait for a pink plus sign. In both situations, you can do your best to ensure that it will happen, but your control is limited.

In adoption, just like the wait to become pregnant, you question whether or not this is the best path. Whether or not you will be a good parent to your potential child. This time is filled with questions, concerns, excitement and worry. When you finally get the match call, it feels like seeing your future on a pregnancy test- a jumble of emotions.

Baby bump

I have carried two biological babies. I have waited for them through months of similar ups and downs. Similar in pattern, however the degree of emotion does not compare. Our boys were with me every minute of my wait. I could feel them, bond with them, protect them. Our daughter is not with us, she gets sick without us, she reaches milestones without us.

With pregnancy, there is a predictable "end date", with adoption no timeline is predictable. Each step comes with a wide range of potential wait times. None of which are in your control. Even the parts that are yours to facilitate, rely on others to return paperwork, notarize, review, process, etc.

Hearing word of the completion of the next step is comparable to an ultrasound in pregnancy (other than the predictable timing and personal scheduling). You wait and wait and wait for the day and when it comes you are so happy- riding a wave of pride and excitement.

Preparing

When your next family member grows in your belly, it is a constant reminder to all who see you. Your family is clearly growing. With adoption, people forget. Our boys have spent months being excited about the addition of their sister, and they forget. They have stopped believing that it will actually happen. It's been a year and all we have is words on the computer and pictures from across the world.

With pregnancy, when people ask you questions about your child and when they will arrive, it is clear that you are the expert. You have all the answers. With adoption, you don't. You only know what others tell you. You are not the expert on the timeline, process, or even your child. This is the most frustrating difference for us. When others ask for news, our response is almost always, "We don't know". To not know is tough.

When you are pregnant you know that your child will come to you as an infant who will learn who they are in front of your eyes. They will grow with your love and support, turning into someone who has pieces of you within them. With adoption, your child grows with the influence of others and their love. They become their own person without you. When you finally come together, they are already beginning to become who they will always be. Everyone has to learn about one another in bits and pieces. It's not gradual and fluid, it is disjointed and full of trial and error. We haven't even experienced this piece firsthand, and yet we know it is to come.

A care package packed with hope

When we decorated our boys' rooms or bought them outfits, we felt confident in our choices. When babies are born, they don't care what outfits they wear or what paint color you chose. When it is a toddler, they might. When we shop for our daughter or plan her bedroom decor, we worry she won't like it. We worry that we will not be in-tune with her personality and we will make the wrong choice. Will this fit her? Does she like purple? Pants or a skirt? Bright colors or calming ones? Dolls, cars or both? We won't know until she's here.


At the end of pregnancy there is birth. At the end of adoption there is "Gotcha Day". Both come with strong emotions ranging from pure love to deep fear. With birth you snuggle your precious baby and still feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and frazzled. On the day we take custody, I expect to feel all of these feelings as well. Babies cry a great deal in infancy, but you are the one that brings safety, comfort and relief. With our daughter, there will be many tears, but they will come from grief. I will not be the person who she wants comfort from. Instead of calming when I snuggle her, she will likely push me away, being sad and scared and feeling alone. Our relationship will have to grow in bits and pieces. The connection will not be instant. Although I will be on paper, I will not be her mommy in her eyes. I will be a stranger.

All our babies are worth the wait

No matter which way your family grows, it is hard to wait. Emotions come and go which vary in strength and length. For our family, the things that are different seem to pack more punch. Waiting through our daughter's adoption process is far more difficult and the emotions are heightened and never subside. Good or bad, they linger.

Someday, I hope, I will look back on this process and remember it as I do each pregnancy. "It actually went by fast", "In hindsight, it wasn't that bad", "It feels so long ago". I have said all of these things referring to my pregnancies and their births. I hope that soon I will be able to say the same when referring to this wait.

There are so many ways in which pregnancy and adoption compare and contrast. Pure love is the biggest similarity. In both, your child is your child. You love them with all of your being, you sacrifice for them daily, you wait on pins and needles for the day your lives join. No matter how your children come to you, the love is the same.